Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-5

To those who have "a little black book" on their spouse, 1 Corinthians responds, "Love … keeps no record of when it has been wronged." If you keep track of your spouse's mistakes, here's how—and why—you need to tear up your book.

Do You Have a Little Black Book?
Our pastor told the story of a couple who came to him for counseling. They were active in the church and—as far as everyone knew—happily married. Yet the wife wanted to leave her husband. She said she could no longer take the "black book."

"Show him," the wife said. Her husband reached into his pocket, pulled out a small black notebook, and handed it to the pastor. It didn't take long to see why she was so upset. Her husband had made a list of everything she had done wrong during their marriage!

When I heard that story, I became angry. How could a husband do such a thing? Then it dawned on me. I was as guilty as the man in the story. Maybe I hadn't literally written my husband's wrongs in a little black book, but what I had done was equally damaging. Each time my husband put his job before me, forgot it was Valentine's Day, or let me cry myself to sleep, I wrote down the offense in indelible ink on the pages of my mind.

Soon that "list" became a weapon to haul out during an argument. I was sure that by enumerating each time he'd wronged me, he'd realize what he was doing and change. But I only put him on the defensive. Our arguments became shouting matches. Things became so bad that my husband didn't want to come home at night.

For three years, I begged God to heal my marriage, but things just seemed to get worse. Then my sister offered to pay our way to a weekend marriage retreat and to baby-sit our two toddlers.

During that weekend, I was confronted with the truth: If I wanted healing in my marriage, I needed to tear up my list. I didn't think I could—I'd been hurt too many times. But through the retreat speaker, God showed me my unforgiving, aching, bitter heart. So when my husband asked, "Will you forgive me?" I made the hardest decision of my life. I stepped out on faith and said, "Yes."

That day I was set free. I wish I could say we live happily ever after, but that wouldn't be true. The issues we'd argued over for years were still there. But we were freed from the past so we could talk about them without getting defensive. And as our relationship improved, my husband began to open up about things from his past. These insights helped me understand why he was the way he was and moved me toward accepting him, flaws and all.

If you're keeping even a small list, take time now to do something about it. If you don't think you can eliminate the destructive habit of list-keeping on your own, then seek out a pastor or a good Christian counselor to help you.

Recently, my husband told me that at the end of each day, he looks forward to coming home to me. I can't imagine a better compliment.

—Judy Bodmer

2. Don't start a new list. Ephesians 4:26-27 tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger. If we do, the unresolved conflict allows the devil "a mighty foothold." So discuss your conflict instead of remaining quiet and letting it fester.

3. Don't try to change your husband. That's God's job.

4. Do begin a new way of thinking. Seek out the good in your husband (Phil. 4:8), and tell him what he's doing right.

5. Do stay alert. When you feel like starting a new list, lovingly explain your feelings to your husband. Then ask, Can we make this a new beginning instead?"

—JB

Faith Focus
Do you keep a little black book of your husband's mistakes? If so, what's in it? In order to tear up that book and give your husband a fresh chance, what do you need to do? To forgive and let go of old grudges and hurts? To look instead toward the future with an open mind and heart?

The 30 Days Series is a 3 book set offering 30 thought provoking daily devotions each. Each day's lesson offers a Scripture passage, short message or story, quote for the day, tips on implementing the lesson, and a suggested prayer. These 30 day devotionals are powerful little books that you won't want to be without. Order the 3 book set or pick from the 3 individual titles.

Copyright © 2001 by the author or Christianity Today, Inc. All rights reserved. Excerpted from 30 Days to a More Incredible Marriage, by Ramona Cramer Tucker, pages 134-139. Used by permission. For reprint information call 630-260-6200.