Are you ready for the holidays? They're coming: Thanksgiving, when we gather together to ask the Lord's blessing—and eat sage-and-cornbread stuffing, swathed in butter. Christmas, season of the Savior's birth—and treats at work, neighborhood cookie exchanges, and a dangerous amount of time spent in the kitchen, tasting the mashed potatoes to "correct the seasoning." And New Year's Day, universally acknowledged as the one last day to enjoy life before embarking on dietary austerity.

Should we abandon all hope and resign ourselves to the annual bloat? No, because there's good news on the health front—I've discovered that the body doesn't utilize all calories in the same way, and some calories count more than others. Here, then, is a handy guide to help you make sensible choices this festive season.

According to my exhaustive research, calories don't count when …

… They're eaten while standing. As we all know, the body burns more calories in an upright position. This rule applies equally to licking batter from the bowl, snitching miniature meatballs from the hors d'oeuvre platter, and eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream out of the carton.

… They're eaten at the mall. It's been shown that the energy exerted in trekking around a mall is equivalent to a hard session of step aerobics—plus there's a lot more to look at. Therefore, a sticky-bun break is entirely acceptable, even encouraged. It is to the shopper what Gatorade is to the athlete.

… They're served in the spirit of Christian sisterhood. In some Third World countries, refusing the food your host offers is an insult of the gravest sort. Christian psychologists tell us many women have trouble learning to receive help from others gracefully. Who would be so ill-mannered as to turn away a beribboned loaf of pumpkin bread, lovingly prepared? The body rewards such charity by immediately turning the calories into lean muscle tissue.

… They're served by your mother. Remember, your mother's chief joy in life is to see you content. When you eat, you brighten her day.

… They're consumed late in the evening ("late" meaning after nine or thereabouts). For example, you may be struggling to assemble a Barbie village on Christmas Eve. Suddenly, you crave caramel corn. That's a message from your brain, signaling you that it needs a sugar lift. Calories ingested after nine o'clock are used to maintain alertness, not fat cells.

… You are a.) premenstrual; b.) overdrawn on your checking account; c.) the victim of an unfortunate haircut. These are "comfort calories," and you deserve them.

… You absentmindedly finish your children's leftovers as you clean up the kitchen. In fact, any calories eaten outside of a regular, sit-down meal don't count (see also "Standing").

… The temperature drops below freezing. God created calories as a survival mechanism to protect us from winter's cold. Think of beef stew as a cheap fur coat.

… You follow a special palate-cleansing procedure called "Celery After Chocolate." Let's say you eat a piece of homemade fudge. Immediately thereafter, chomp on a celery stick. This is similar to erasing a recording by taping over it. The calories of the fudge are, in effect, "deleted," and the body registers only the vegetable.

… You enjoy them with friends and family, in the celebratory spirit of the season. Happy Holidays!

Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse is a TCW contributing editor, author, and conference and retreat speaker.

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