MY FAMILY IS BLENDED—MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TWO YEARS, AND WE EACH BROUGHT ONE CHILD INTO THE RELATIONSHIP. AS A RESULT, WE HAVE MANY FAMILY MEMBERS—AND FORMER FAMILY MEMBERS—TO APPEASE AT THE HOLIDAYS, AND THE TIME IS FRAUGHT WITH TENSION. HOW CAN WE HANDLE THIS MORE CONSTRUCTIVELY?

It sounds as though competition over your family time is keen—and your nuclear family is getting lost in the shuffle of all the holiday plans with your extended families. You need to refocus on the family you and your husband have made together, and consider your needs and desires. Ask yourselves, "What does Christmas mean to us? What do we want our children to learn about the meaning of Christmas? What traditions do we want to form?" Clearly delineate the values you and your husband want to protect—otherwise, you'll find yourselves doing what everyone else wants—and resenting it.

Once you've figured out what's important to your nuclear family, you need to consider your extended families. Lay out what each set of people wants from you so you get the total picture. Then begin to figure out what you realistically can and cannot do within the context of your choices for your own family. Keep in mind you don't have to meet everyone's expectations every year. You may need to see some people alternate years, or alternate between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

As you and your husband try to sort this out, listen carefully to what's important to each of you, and look for ways to honor that. Your attitude toward and treatment of each other as you make decisions is as important as the choices you make. Remember, the family you two have made needs to be treated with importance and respect.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR FIVE YEARS AND WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN AGES THREE AND ONE. MY HUSBAND IS BECOMING DISCOURAGED BY MY LACK OF INTEREST IN SEX. THE TROUBLE IS, I'M SO TIRED ALL THE TIME, I'D RATHER SLEEP THAN MAKE LOVE. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?

What you're feeling is very normal. A three year old and a one year old are a sure recipe for perpetual exhaustion! Many moms of young children feel as though they have no say over their bodies because someone's always clutching, clinging, grabbing, or nursing. The combination of constant touching and exhaustion frequently results in a lack of interest in sex. By the time night comes, all you want is to be left alone to sleep.

But keep in mind your husband, who hasn't experienced pregnancy and breastfeeding, hasn't lost his sex drive. But he has lost a lot of your time and attention since the birth of your children.

You both need to remind yourselves this state is only temporary. You won't always have little heads nestled on your shoulder—and you won't always be exhausted. As you realize this is a season of life you're passing through, you'll be less apt to panic, thinking things will never change.

Also try to understand what you're each going through right now. When your husband's more aware of your daily routine, he'll be more able to respond patiently and gently. This understanding will also help him not feel rejected by your lack of interest in sex.

And when you consider your husband's perspective, you'll realize he's not being demanding or thoughtless to desire sex; it's simply that he loves you, his time with you has been radically altered, and having sex is one way of reconnecting. Remembering these things will enable you to say yes more often—and to say no gently and carefully.

Perhaps the two of you can brainstorm some creative ways to compensate for the current obstacles to your sex life. Can you nap at the same time as your children, so you're less tired at night? Can your husband handle getting drinks of water or feedings a few nights a week so you get better sleep? Instead of putting the house back together on the weekends during nap time, could you use your free time to be with your husband? Discuss the possibilities and plan some options. Many people object to the idea of planning sex, but this is a season of life when planning is beneficial.

I'M SINGLE, IN MY EARLY THIRTIES, AND DREADING THE HOLIDAYS. ALL MY SIBLINGS ARE MARRIED, SO WHEN WE GET TOGETHER AT CHRISTMAS, I'M SURROUNDED BY COUPLES. I'M NOT DATING ANYONE, AND I END UP FEELING DEPRESSED INSTEAD OF JOYFUL—ESPECIALLY WHEN FAMILY MEMBERS TRY TO FIX ME UP WITH SOMEONE, TELL ME I'M TOO PICKY, OR SAY INSINCERE THINGS SUCH AS, "DON'T WORRY—YOU'LL MEET MR. RIGHT SOON!" WHAT CAN I DO?

It's hard to be surrounded by others who experience something you long for. It tends to intensify that longing. In addition, our culture—both secular and Christian—says many things about Christmas: receiving gifts is paramount; it's a time for couples and families; traditions are what give the holiday meaning. Yet Christmas is really about the incarnation of God. Because God in Christ became human like us and shared our suffering, he fully understands your loneliness and longing. He knows what it feels like to be different from everyone else—and to feel as though you don't belong. He understands not having needs met, and he experienced hurtful comments from others. Because of this, you can be honest before Christ about the emotions that trouble you. As you bring your situation to him in prayer, he'll find unique ways to comfort you. In speaking about the coming Messiah, the prophet Isaiah wrote, "`Comfort, comfort my people,' says your God" (40:1). Perhaps God can use these painful times to teach you more about his comfort.

If Christmas is about God becoming flesh in order to explain himself more clearly to us, we're also called to live in a way that reflects who God is. Prayerfully consider how you do this when you're interacting with your family members. Does the way you respond to them imitate Jesus? Also, look for other ways to live incarnationally. Are there other lonely people you might reach out to? Perhaps those who have no family at all? What an incredible gift it would be to give others a glimpse of God's love at Christmas time!

Your loneliness won't necessarily disappear if you do these things—but if you ask God to teach you about his comfort and how you can demonstrate who he is to others, your Christmases will be of eternal value and his blessing to you will be great.

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR SEVEN YEARS. AS THE STRESSES IN OUR LIVES HAVE INCREASED, MY HUSBAND HAS BECOME MORE VERBALLY ABUSIVE. HE OFTEN CRITICIZES ME AND HAS A SCREAMING FIT ABOUT TWICE A MONTH. HE REFUSES TO SEEK COUNSELING, ALTHOUGH HE DOES CALM DOWN QUICKLY AND APOLOGIZE AFTER HIS OUTBURSTS. I'M CONCERNED ABOUT THE SCREAMING BECAUSE IT UPSETS OUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER. HOW CAN I HANDLE THE SITUATION CORRECTLY?

What your husband is doing is wrong and destructive. The presence of any kind of abuse in a home produces fear, insecurity, and confusion for those living there. It's not healthy for a growing child—or for you, either.

An abusive environment is not acceptable, and you should consider the problem serious enough to seek professional help.

Abuse often increases in both intensity and frequency over time. All parties get used to a certain level of abuse, so they begin to tolerate behavior that never would have been accepted originally.

Since your husband refuses to seek counseling, pursue it for yourself. Research has shown that an early, firm response against abuse is the most effective.

You shouldn't be lulled into accepting this behavior or minimizing it ("At least he doesn't hit me"). When your husband apologizes, tell him you're glad he's sorry, but an apology isn't enough—change is necessary. Being "sorry" doesn't solve the problem, nor does it make your husband a safe person for you and your daughter.

Your husband's abusive behavior isn't your fault. Those who are abusive typically blame others for their behavior ("If you just did so-and-so differently, then I wouldn't act like this"). Scripture tells us that "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matt. 12:34). Your husband's abusive behavior reveals the contents of his heart, not yours. You are responsible for your response to the abuse—but not the abuse itself. "Tough love" holds your husband accountable and doesn't pretend his behavior is unimportant. You'll need counsel and support in order to do this, but please make sure you ask the counselor whether or not he or she has experience in dealing with abuse. At times you may question the decision to take a stand against your husband's behavior, but loving him and your daughter means not taking his sin lightly.

DIANE MANDT LANGBERG, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and the author of Feeling Good, Feeling Bad: What Every Woman Wants to Know about Emotional Well-being (Servant Books) and Counsel for Pastors' Wives (Zondervan).

Copyright © 1995 by the author or Christianity Today, International/TODAY'S CHRISTIAN WOMAN magazine. For reprint information call 630-260-6200.