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Q I've never really dated much, and I think I know why. Whenever a guy shows romantic interest in me, I immediately become uneasy around him and try to avoid him, even if I was previously attracted to him. The strange thing is, I have more male friends than female friends. I also have no problem talking to guys I'm attracted to. I only get uncomfortable when a guy likes me. Why do I act this way and what can I do about it?

A You act skittish because you're scared—and for good reason. Love can be frightening! But I don't know why you react so strongly. Maybe some experience earlier in your life has made you especially afraid of romantic relationships with guys. A person who has been abused or even just frightened by a childhood experience may develop a deep-seated fear of intimacy.

If that's what's happened to you, I'd recommend seeking Christian counseling right away. The scars of abuse, or those deeply-held fears, won't go away on their own. You need to talk with someone who can help.

However, there may be another explanation for your resistance to romance. You may be one of those people who understands love can hurt! Either way, your uneasiness is certainly understandable.

But it's clear you don't want to continue running from emotional intimacy. Love can hurt, but not loving can hurt even more. Carefully, prayerfully, gently you need to take the risk of loving.

If you really want to change this pattern in your life, you'll need to ask for help. Talk to an understanding Christian friend and ask her to begin "coaching" you. Tell her what you've noticed about yourself, and ask if she'll help you overcome it. Talk to her about it regularly. She may point out ways you're avoiding guys. She may notice your actions before you're even aware of what you're doing, and she may have suggestions about how to behave differently. Most of all, she'll be someone who can encourage you to get over your fears.

Patterns can be changed, but change usually takes time and hard work. Don't expect overnight miracles. And when you're ready to develop a romantic relationship with a guy, be selective. Nothing will help break down your fears like a really friendly and caring relationship with a Christian guy. (And nothing will rebuild barriers like a painful, uncaring relationship.) Ask God to help you overcome your fears. Let yourself be a little vulnerable. Refuse to run away and hide.

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