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You know it and we know it: There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Every couple has a few issues they need to work through. Meet Peter and Katherine (we've changed their names), a real-life couple with a real-life dating dilemma. We'll offer some advice to help them build a better relationship.

Peter Says:
I Hate Conflict!
I'm a big conflict avoider. I mean, everybody wants to stay out of ugly fights and really personal arguments, but it's even more than that for me. I don't like any kind of conflict at all. I figure the best way to handle problems is to smooth them out and get them out of the way as soon as possible. That's what people who care about each other do, right?

Katherine, on the other hand, seems to like conflict. Sometimes I think she argues with me just for the sake of arguing. Like the other day, I was telling her about a discussion in one of my classes. A guy had said something I really disagreed with, but I, naturally, didn't want to get into a debate with him. Instead, I was sharing my thoughts with Katherine, looking for a little support. And what did she do? She took the other guy's side!

I really like Katherine, and I don't want to break up over this. But I hate feeling like I'm always on the defensive.

Katherine Says:
You Call That Conflict?
I don't know why Peter always thinks we're fighting. To me, we're just communicating. Of course I don't always agree with him—we're two different people. And I think it's better to tell him what I really think than to pretend I see everything the same way he does.

It's true that our discussion of what happened in Peter's class got a little out of hand, but I don't think that was my fault. From what Peter told me at first, I really did agree with the other guy. It turns out that Peter hadn't told me the whole story. When he explained the context of the guy's comments, I totally agreed with Peter. But as soon as I started to take the other guy's position, Peter shut down and wouldn't say anything. By the time he finally gave me the rest of the story, our discussion had already been going on for 15 minutes.

I wish Peter would be as open with me as I am with him. I think I'd learn a lot about him if he'd share his views with me. Instead, I do most of the talking, and he just gets upset.

Elesha's Advice
Peter and Katherine are obviously experiencing a communication breakdown. The solution to their problem is actually more communication, but of a different kind than the pattern they've fallen into. Basically, they need to ask a lot more questions.

First off, Peter and Katherine should ask each other what "conflict" means to them. Maybe Peter comes from a sensitive family where disagreement was avoided at all costs. In contrast, maybe Katherine's family encouraged her to speak her mind, and because of her background, she's not sure how to relate to someone who holds back his thoughts. Peter might be taking things personally, while Katherine sees their "arguments" as just a normal part of communication. Whatever the case, they'll never figure out what's really going on unless they ask.

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