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My cousin committed suicide, and now his father is blaming God for it. What can I do or say to help him through all this?

I can only imagine how painful this is for your uncle and the rest of your family. Suicide is devastating any way you look at it. And it is not unusual for God to get the blame. That's a pretty normal response to the kind of grief your uncle is going through. It's almost as if we need someone to blame so the subconscious mind says, "Why not God?" Believe me, God is big enough to handle your uncle's pain, blame and anger.

In fact, I believe God grieves along with your uncle and the rest of your family. Suicide is not something he wanted, either. I think the very best thing you can do for your uncle is pray for him and show the same unconditional love God shows all of us. Your uncle doesn't need a theological lesson today as much as love and understanding. He probably not only blames God, but himself as well. His pain runs very deep—and it is pain that Jesus understands very well.

Just think about the shortest verse in the Bible: "Jesus wept" (John 11:35, NLT). Why was Jesus weeping? He was grieving the death of a very good friend. I think this little verse says some very big things about God's compassion. If the Son of God wept over the death of one friend, I believe he weeps for our pain as well.

I also firmly believe your uncle will see the love and compassion of God through the love and compassion you show him (Matthew 25:34-40). Be there for him. In times like these, he will regard your very presence as a sign that someone cares for him. Don't push God on your uncle, but every so often you might want to hand him a small comforting book or simply a card that says your prayers are with him.

Eventually, you may want to give him one of these books by Philip Yancey, a former Campus Life editor: Disappointment with God, Reaching for the Invisible God or Where Is God When It Hurts? Philip writes very honestly about anger, grief, pain and doubt. People who are hurting often discover much hope and comfort in his words. I would, though, talk to your parents about the appropriateness of giving him one of these books.

I would also encourage you to talk with your parents about specific ways to help your uncle. Maybe they could suggest he attend a grief support group. Local hospitals and mental health services should be able to help you and your parents locate a support group that would be appropriate. But don't be surprised if he reacts negatively to any assistance. Many hurting people have a hard time accepting help. All you and your parents can do is offer your suggestions, and then leave the response to him.

While it's wonderful you're concerned about your uncle, you're probably also hurting. If you haven't already, I'd encourage you to let your pastor or youth pastor know what's going on. Some churches have ministries that help people deal with tragedy. If yours doesn't, your church should be able to point you to a Christian group that can help you. If you feel you need it, please seek help for your own grief and questions.

Finally, don't expect your uncle to change too quickly. In fact, he'll never totally get over his terrible loss, but he may eventually seek comfort in God's love. And it's just good to know that a caring person like you will be there for him when he does.

Due to the volume of mail, Jim cannot answer every letter.

Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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