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My friend Jason* stood on the far edge of the driveway and fired off a fade–away jump shot. Swoosh. The ball only caught net and bounced on the pavement. I grabbed it to pass to him when he said, "Hey, did I tell ya I had a girlfriend?"

"What?" I said dropping the ball. "Yeah, I asked Crystal out last week, and now we're sort of boyfriend and girlfriend."

"Oh," was all I could say. I tried to act as if Jason having a girlfriend was no big deal to me. But it was a big deal! I hated the idea that he would be spending more time with someone else.

This wasn't the first time I'd felt left out or even jealous of friends' girlfriends. It was our freshman year of high school and most of my guy friends were now dating. The guys I'd grown up with were suddenly spending their time with girls. But I wanted them to hang out with me. I wanted to be as close to them as their girlfriends were.

These feelings drove me crazy. But it wasn't just loneliness. I also realized I liked hugging my guy friends and stuff like that. I didn't want to have sex with them or anything, but I did think a lot about spending time with them. I constantly thought, Something is wrong here. Finally, one night I got on my knees and prayed, "God, am I gay?"

I paid careful attention to what people said about homosexuality. I heard stories that many gay people come from dysfunctional homes or were sexually molested as children. I didn't fit the mold, so maybe I wasn't gay. But then why didn't I want a girlfriend? Why did I want my guy friends to like me more than they liked their girlfriends?

I went to books for help. I hoped that I'd find something I could relate to. All the fiction I read talked about celebrating your homosexuality, but I sure didn't want to celebrate how I felt. Meanwhile, the non–fiction I read didn't tell me what I wanted to know: how to be a normal guy.

One Sunday, my pastor talked about how homosexuality wasn't God's plan. I looked up verses about it and memorized them. I knew my pastor and the Bible were right, but that didn't take away my confused feelings. I really did think about my guy friends a lot. I was so scared. I thought, There is no way God would make me like this, would he?

I guess I thought God would flash an answer in the sky or something. But he didn't, and I just kept wrestling with the uncertainty about what I was feeling. I didn't want to be homosexual. I was a Christian and knew this was wrong. I feared what my Christian friends and family would think. I felt alone. I couldn't tell my parents—I didn't want to disappoint them. I couldn't tell my youth pastor because I was afraid he might tell my youth group friends and make me a laughingstock. I didn't tell anyone. Praying to God helped, but I wanted more than anything to have someone who'd understand me.

I felt like I was keeping a secret bomb inside me that would go off at anytime.

About a year after Jason told me about his first girlfriend, we were talking after band practice one night about girls.

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