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Devastated: When Fireflight lead singer Dawn Richardson was 6, her younger brother, Ian, drowned. The accident devastated the family. "I was so sad, confused and angry at God," she says. "Later, I realized God's ways are not our ways and Ian is in a better place. But still, some emotional baggage stuck with me."

One effect of the tragedy was that Dawn constantly wanted to please her hurting parents. "I took it on myself to be a golden girl," she says. "If I did anything that didn't please Mom or Dad, I was very upset and frustrated with myself. I thought I had to be perfect to make my parents happy."

The perfect Christian: In high school, Dawn found Christ. But her perfectionism carried over to her faith life. "I would never say no to doing anything for my church," she says. "I was busy every night with church. I wanted to be the perfect Christian. I had a three-page list of people to pray for every day and if I didn't pray for the whole list, I'd feel like I wasn't doing my job as a good Christian.

"I was trying to earn God's love by pleasing him just like I did with my parents. I knew God loved me but if I ever let him down, I could hardly stand myself. I didn't feel worthy of God's love."

Grace is good enough: Eventually, Dawn was worn down by her attempts to be perfect and do everything she could for God. "I was empty," she says. "I was exhausted. I lost my passion for the Lord. I just didn't feel the joy and peace I used to. And that's when God overwhelmed me by revealing through Scripture how much he loves me. I realized that—unintentionally—my actions were saying that Jesus' death on the cross was not good enough to cover my sins. I thought I had to worry about my sins, make up for them and feel guilty about them. But Jesus died for our sins and to take on the shame of the world. I don't have to feel shame and guilt if I'm forgiven. While I was trying to earn his love, God loved me regardless. There was nothing I could do to make him love me more or less."

After she realized this truth about God's grace, she really worked to change her attitude. But still, she can struggle with judging herself too harshly. "I have to keep reminding myself every day that Christ's blood is enough to cover my sins."

Copyright © 2007 by the author or Christianity Today International/Ignite Your Faith magazine.
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