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Q. A good guy friend of mine and I have decided to become closer friends while we consider whether a dating relationship might be in God's will. Not long ago, we both confessed that we'd done stuff while dating we weren't proud of. However, I feel his past is a lot worse. Now, I wonder if God has someone better for me. I feel like maybe our pasts, especially his, could get in the way of a healthy relationship. What should I do about these feelings?

A. You two are making good decisions already—taking things slow, developing a solid friendship, staying tuned in to where you see God leading you. So the concerns you have aren't bad or wrong or off-base. They are part of this process and you need to pay attention to them.

That said, I think the real issue isn't your friend's past; it's his future. Instead of focusing on what he's done, talk with him about where he's heading and what he's doing to get there. As you talk, listen to find out if he's talked with a mature Christian about ways to make sure he can avoid those mistakes in the future. Ask if he's spent time praying and seeking God's forgiveness and help in changing his life. Has he made better choices in recent relationships? Has he developed relationships with Christian friends who will help him stick to the commitments he's made to build godly relationships?

If he hasn't done these things, they are good steps for him to take before he starts dating you. They are also steps you need to take to make sure you don't repeat the mistakes of your past.

Remember, your friend isn't defined by his past any more than you are. And if you want him to see you for who you are right now, not who you've been in the past, you need to show him the same grace. You might very well be part of God's work in his life—at least as a good, caring friend. You can be a living example of God's forgiveness (and he can do the same for you).

If your friend is committed to developing a healthy, Christ-centered relationship with you, then I don't think you should be afraid to give him that chance. But if you just can't get over his past, or are uncertain about where he's heading in the future, then be honest with him now—before you start to date.

Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Ignite Your Faith magazine.
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