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Q. I'm 17, and I've got a close friend who is a girl. I know she'd like to date me, but I don't have special feelings for her. I want a girlfriend, but I know I just don't want to date my friend. I need some advice about how to keep being her friend without hurting her.

A. You have to be honest with her. There's probably nothing more uncomfortable than telling a friend you don't have romantic feelings for her, but that's what you have to do. The best way to have this conversation is to do it in person—not through e-mail or a text message. Don't do it at your locker or on your way to a game or after a party. No, this needs to be a you-and-me, all-the-time-in-the-world, face-to-face conversation.

Making time for her will be a huge sign that she's important to you and that you care deeply about how she feels. So invite her out for coffee after school or go for a walk some Saturday. Or if it feels like a good time to talk, just start talking.

Be very clear about your feelings. Don't give her false hope just to make it easier for yourself. Tell her how important she is to you and how much you treasure her friendship. Be specific about the qualities you like about her. Explain that you've thought about what it would be like to date her, and that you feel like it's best for you to stick with a friendship. Then ask for her response. Really listen to her, and then kindly and truthfully answer any questions she has.

Since she cares about you, she'll be hurt. But if you're kind and honest, she'll eventually move past her hurt and will hopefully want to remain friends with you. After your talk, do your best to act the same way you always do when you see her. Be kind, friendly, funny, serious, or whatever it is that helps you connect as friends. Show her with your actions and attitude that you are committed to being her friend and that your conversation hasn't changed the way you feel about her.

It's wise of you to think this through. Some wonderful dating relationships grow out of friendships. But some of the best friendships are those that never try to be something they're not.

Carla is an editor of the Teen Devotional Bible (Zondervan).

Copyright © 2008 by the author or Christianity Today International/Ignite Your Faith magazine.
Click here for reprint information on Ignite Your Faith.

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