Why Am I Judged For Having Sex?
Although I've never had sex, several years ago I did some things I shouldn't have. I know God has forgiven me. Recently, however, I started dating a guy I'm totally in love with. Soon after we got together he asked if I was a virgin, and I said yes. But I feel like I'm deceiving him. I'm not proud of what I did. I want that kind of behavior to stay in the past! Yet I wonder if I would be better off telling him about it, or if I should just assume that "what he doesn't know won't hurt him."
I'm not a big fan of "true confessions" early in a relationship. I think sex is a very personal matter, and a strong sense of privacy is needed. So I don't think you are deceiving your boyfriend at all. Someday you may want to tell him more about your past mistakes, but right now, leave your skeletons in the closet where they won't scare anybody. You've repented. You've experienced God's forgiveness. You've been cleansed. What, then, does it have to do with your relationship with this guy now?
Why Am I Judged For Having Sex?
Q I'm a 16-year-old Christian who recently gave up my virginity. I waited until I really loved my boyfriend, and I knew he loved me. I don't think sex has anything to do with the fact that you're married or single. I think it's a choice each person has to make by asking themselves if they're prepared for the outcome if something goes wrong. I talked to my partner about the possible outcomes. We used protection and nothing bad happened.
My boyfriend broke up with me recently. I know it wasn't because of sex, it was just because we had grown apart in our relationship. We're still best friends and we talk all of the time. I still don't regret anything I've done because I know I loved my boyfriend, and I always will. So why do people judge me when they find out that I'm not a virgin?
A You feel criticized by people who learn you aren't a virgin, but you might be surprised to know that some people feel criticized for just the opposite reason—because they've never had sex! It depends on who is doing the criticism, and what their philosophy is. In America today there are at least two very different philosophies of sex.
You've done a good job articulating the way sex is seen by many, especially on TV sitcoms, in most movies, and in supermarket magazines. The key to this philosophy is the individual—his or her likes and dislikes, his or her choices and responsibility. In this view, sex is a way for individuals to enjoy each other. Each person must decide individually whether to make love or not, with whom, and for how long. The only constraint should be whether they're prepared to handle the consequences. You can't avoid some risks, so you ought to face them honestly, minimize them if you can, and take responsibility for the results, whatever they are. If you should happen to get a sexually transmitted disease, or become pregnant, or decide you're not meant for each other, those are just the breaks of the game. Most likely you'll move through a number of sexual relationships before you find one that gives you lasting satisfaction. (And some people never find that, but keep moving from one partner to the next.)