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When I was nominated for a Grammy Award earlier this year, it felt great to know my work was being affirmed by some of the bigwigs in the music business.

So I flew out to L.A. for the awards ceremony, feeling pretty good. People said nice things about me, and encouraged me all the way.

But I didn't win the Grammy.

I was disappointed, but it reminded me of something I've always struggled with: Just where do I find my self-esteem, anyway?

It all started in junior high. It's a long story, but let's just say my family life wasn't the greatest, and that affected the way I felt about myself. But I quickly learned that I could do things to get people to like me. I started writing poetry, and I guess it was pretty decent. People said, "This is great!" That made me feel better about myself.

I got into sports and music with the same perspective, thinking, If I do really well, people will notice, and say nice things about me. And they did—teachers, coaches, students. I didn't care where the praise came from, as long as I got it.

I went to college on a music scholarship, and was still getting lots of praise. But ultimately, it wasn't enough. I felt empty and lonely. What I really wanted was somebody who simply cared about me—not just my accomplishments. I just wanted respect—to be valued for who I was, not just what I could do.

When I became a Christian my freshman year, I realized my void was spiritual. And as I've grown in my faith, I've learned that it's not the things I do that give me value, but Christ himself.

The Bible says Christ died for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). When I'm feeling worthless, when I'm having a miserable day, I know Christ loved me enough to die for me. Understanding that has given me a lot more self-confidence.

No matter what anybody else says—and no matter what I think—God's love for me never changes, and nothing can ever separate me from his love. That's such an amazing thought, and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Even though I've had some success as a musician, I often wonder: What happens when nobody wants to buy my records anymore? What happens when no one knows my name? Does that mean I'm not a good person? Or that God doesn't love me anymore?

And then I have to catch myself and concentrate on the truth, remembering that my self-worth comes from God, and God alone.

Jen never picked up a guitar till after she became a Christian. She actually went to college on a trumpet scholarship!

Copyright © 2001 by the author or Christianity Today International/Campus Life magazine.
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