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As I hung up the telephone, I realized Jerry had done it to me again. This round lasted no more than five, maybe ten minutes, but my doubts lingered for days.

Jerry and his family were on-again-off-again worshipers. Of late, they were off again. I had called to express concern, to say they were missed. Jerry informed me that if I really cared, "You would have called a long time ago. And you wouldn't pay so much attention to the rich folks in the church. And you would care more about us in the church than the unchurched."

Such conflict can negatively affect me:

1. It pushes me away from sound judgment. I tend to want to please people and avoid conflict. Conflict pushes me, like an opposing magnetic force, away from sound, godly judgment. Instead, I am magnetized toward self-doubt, stubbornness, self-pity, self-indulgence, or solemn resignation.
   I think, How could he say I didn't care? Maybe I am a poor pastor. I probably should have called sooner. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a pastor.
   
   
2. It affects my preaching. In my first year of pastoral ministry, James was waiting for me after the worship service. He had white, swept-back hair; he was a senior member of the congregation. He spoke with a gravelly voice: "Pastor, you better not say that word around here anymore or there won't be anyone left in the pews. They will all leave."
   "What word?"
   "Money," he said.
   I had mentioned it twice in the sermon. Giving was weak in the church—and that was a generous appraisal. James's comment taught me, wrongly, that preaching about money creates conflict. I thought, If two words could anger one guy and threaten to send everyone else running for the doors—imagine what a whole sermon on the topic might do!
   Seven years passed until I preached again on money. Not until someone told me, "It's natural for people who are not generous givers to react with guilt or fear," did I return to the subject.
   
   
3. It makes me reluctant to lead. Early in my ministry, conflict caused me to question my ability to lead. In recent years, it has caused me to question why I should lead. While at times I am blind-sided by conflict, other times I know the right leadership decision will create conflict with some members. Then I feel reluctant to make that decision.
   Last year we restructured our worship schedule. For the first time in my fifteen years at the church, everyone—both the 8:00 and the 9:30 crowd—would feel the impact of this change.
   Hindsight suggested we should have made the change a year earlier. My reluctance to deal with the conflict slowed our decision. (And the conflict did come.)
   
   
4. It affects my family. Rarely do I come home after a confrontation and kick the cat (we don't have one) or yell at Gail or our three sons. I am more inclined to internalize the conflict. I replay the dialogue in my mind, argue with myself, and wish I had said more at the moment.
   Consequently, I can sit with my family at dinner or drive the car or help with household chores but be mentally absent. As a result of conflict, often my family gets little of my emotional energy.
   
   
5. It isolates me. Matthew was a committed Christian, who also was committed to question most of what I did and much of what I said. As a result, we frequently clashed. Matthew would begin, "Now Pastor … " The last few years of his life, he added, "Now Pastor, you know that I love you but … "
   I could always count on Matthew confronting me directly, and over the eight years our lives intersected, he and I actually built a sound relationship. But the repeated conflicts kept me cautious. I chose my words carefully.
   Conflict leaves me less open. I distance myself from people. I think about how to protect myself. Transparency goes down as conflict goes up.
   
   

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