Leadership Journal

Over the years, LEADERSHIP has earned a reputation for addressing ministry issues realistically and redemptively. Occasionally that means tackling a taboo.

Seventeen years ago we published "The War Within," an anonymous minister's battle with lust and voyeurism. With its realistic depiction of sexual temptation, it quickly became one of our most controversial—and most requested—articles.

Nearly two decades later, sexual temptations in various forms continue to plague those in ministry. The following is one pastor's lengthy struggle to overcome homosexual thoughts and desires. Like "The War Within," this is a straightforward account of a sensitive subject, but we believe its publication could be a first step in helping other Christian leaders who are privately facing a similar struggle.

Some days the urge to fantasize wasn't so bad. I'd be engrossed in my work, and the thoughts wouldn't even enter my head. Those were the times that I loved being a pastor. I relished the privilege of reaching out to others and sensed that God used me to touch hurting lives.

But other days it took all I had to stay focused on ministry. The feelings would creep into my mind, stirred up by a muscular physique on the street or a handsome face in a restaurant. I'd pray and try to quash the thoughts right there, but often they grew too great, too pleasurable. Those were the times I hated being a pastor. I despised the lie I was living.

My life and ministry were a tangled mess. On the surface I was a respected church leader, married to a beautiful woman, with a wonderful family. Inside, I was an entirely different person, consumed by homosexual desires.

Sunday mornings were particularly distressing. How does a so-called man of God enter the pulpit and preach with integrity and conviction about becoming a new creation when his own life feels so stained and hopeless? Often I would gaze over the congregation and think, If only you people knew what I was really like, what I struggle with every day, the kinds of thoughts I entertained this week …

One day I drove to a distant town to meet with a group of fellow pastors in my denomination. We sat in a conference room discussing areas in our region that would be ideal for new church plants. But as we talked demographics and strategies, I fought to block out recurring images of pornography, images that had been etched into my mind from repeated viewings of sexually explicit movies and photos.

On the way home, I took an exit ramp, consulted the Yellow Pages, and within minutes was in an adult video store, perusing the video jackets and glossy magazines, searching for a picture of the perfect man.

Not like the other guys
I was raised in a working-class, Christian family. God made it clear that ministry was his path for my life early on. It was not always a welcomed call. I feared it, fought it, pushed it aside. Yet I couldn't shake it.

Nothing gave me more peace ...