Leadership Journal

Yes, it seems ironic, but Tony Soprano has become a mentor to me, teaching me about the church and the kind of pastor I want to become.

There is no evidence of redemption in his life. His marriage is fragile at best, and he is always about an episode away from a complete breakdown. But I love the man. That's why I keep coming back for more, me and the millions who watch "The Sopranos," HBO's popular series about a New Jersey Mafia family. As I've journeyed with this fictional mob boss, here's what I've learned:

• Integrate the family
  Tony knows that any family member in isolation is vulnerable; it's suicide. You don't advance in the business by working on your own. Learning comes from your own experience and from people further down the road than you. Tony Soprano has his nephew Christopher, an associate, ride with Paulie, a captain, to learn the ropes of the family business. And in this business, Tony says, "we're soldiers." A soldier should learn from the captain, and a captain from the under-boss and consigliere.
  
  The same is true at Tony's home; all family members sit down to share dinner together. Three generations of Sopranos break bread and share life on a daily basis. This is a sacred time and tardiness is not acceptable. There would never be a children's table in the Soprano household. It is a time when all business is put aside to be together.
  
  This simple truth has been lost in the church, and it may be our greatest weakness.
  
  The single young people who fill (or used to fill) our communities live in fear and ignorance when it comes to marital issues. Many come from broken homes and have no concept of a healthy family.
  
  So what is the church's response to these people? We separate them out to lead one another like blind guides. Who will teach them how to deal with the difficulties that come with love relationships? The Singles Pastor?
  
  These people (along with everyone else) should have a seat at the family table. Life is lived with the whole family, not at the kid's table.
  
  
• Treat every member with respect
  At Ecclesia, we do not separate people according to marital status. When people do eventually marry, they have spent an enormous amount of time with families in the church body, and family life is familiar. The difficulties of the husband-wife relationship have been examined closely, and redemption has been seen and experienced.
  
  If you currently do 20 funerals for every wedding and the thought of your church dying under its current leaders rings as a reality in your head, then by all means do not throw your money away by hiring a pastor for all the single people that you have (or want to have) in your fellowship. This is an ineffective plan for church growth. I can promise that bad things will happen if you do. You will corrupt the few healthy non-married people left in your church, or you will scare them away.
  
  Either they will acquiesce: "I love having a singles pastor. It's like offering a social coordinator on a cruise ship. I think the church should hire people to meet all my felt needs for the rest of my life." This is disaster! We have created consumers for all our programs; and if we ever fail to deliver, the consumer will be off to look for a better product.
  
  Or they will be disgusted: "The only holy and sacred place in my life has turned into a meat market, and the oddballs are coming from churches all over town to try to pick me up." And that's the best-case scenario. Church kids are the only people drawn to a singles program. Believe me, they won't come to serve, tithe, and be a part of the body. They are just there to get a date.
  
  Hiring a singles pastor in 2002 is like wearing bell-bottoms in the '80's, Izod shirts in the '90's, or joining the Mariah Carey fan club in the new millennium. The last thing non-married people need is a pastor specialist reminding them that they're single. It would make more sense to hire one pastor for engineers and another for artists—or for smokers and non-smokers, lovers of Radiohead and lovers of Neil Diamond—than to hire one pastor for marrieds and another for pre-marrieds.
  
  Okay, so you already have a singles pastor. Or worse (my apologies), you are a singles pastor. What do you do? Make some changes, and start with the title. Almost anything would be better. Develop opportunities for the whole body. Begin to shepherd the entire church. You have gifts that should be shared in other areas as opportunities grow.
  
  When we begin age-segregating our family, all natural discipleship is minimized (if not eliminated). The younger and unmarried should be right alongside mom and dad at the table of faith, engaging the mysteries of the gospel as a family.