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The New Family Trump Card. That's what one pastor calls it. "I can't be at the meeting tonight, Pastor. My kid has a thing." The "thing" might be a ball game, flute practice, play date, or weariness from last night's sleepover—anything trumps a church obligation.

The increased emphasis on "family time," even at the expense of meaningful involvement in church life, is a sign of the times. It's one way Generations X and Y are making up for the hands-off, latch-key childrearing styles that characterized their Boomer parents: heavy investment in the kids, and everything else takes a back seat—including church.

This shift in values is a common theme in the Leadership study on church life and family. We asked 490 pastors to share their insights on the changing relationship between the local congregation and its constituent families, to examine the larger question of church as "family," and to crack open the door to the parsonage and tell us about their own marriage and family.

In summary, we can say the ties that bind people together as church family seem looser these days; but at home, many pastors are feeling the cinch.

The phenomenon of overprogrammed kids in the last decade or so is well documented—to the point of satire. (A recent sitcom showed an alien begging off an invasion of Earth because his kid had "a thing.") What isn't so well documented is the effect this legion of extracurricular activities has on church life.

The pastors we surveyed report the overall busyness of families is keeping families away from church. Asked whether people are spending more discretionary time on family activities or church commitments, 76 percent said the scale tipped toward family activities. This contrasts with the perception of 62 percent of respondents that a generation ago, free time was more likely spent on church commitments. The balance has shifted.

Carol Welker, children's ministry pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Orlando, Florida, says the impact has been felt especially in weekday programs.

"We stopped doing Wednesday night programs a couple of years ago after they just fell apart," she said. "We did a survey to find out why families stopped coming, and several said, 'That's the one and only night we have together as a family.'"

The rest of the week, often including Sunday morning, is booked with music lessons and sports events. We even hear of pastors who must choose between preaching the Sunday morning sermon and attending Junior's Little League playoff game. Lay people are more regularly opting for non-church activities.

In our survey 83 percent of pastors said they are aware of situations where people routinely choose family events over church commitments. The list of reasons people give for missing church events: kids' activities and weekend trips are cited as most common reasons told to pastors (9 in 10 hear this frequently); grown-up sports such as fishing, football, and NASCAR are next, followed by extended family gatherings (7 in 10 hear these frequently), and a child's illness (almost 6 in 10 hear this reason on a regular basis).

Are these valid reasons or just excuses? "Mostly excuses" said 22 percent of pastors. "Mostly valid" said 13 percent. "Some of both" said 65 percent.

Asked if family time trumping church time is the bigger problem, 61 percent of pastors said yes; only 3 percent said church time was encroaching on family life for their church members. About a third (36%) thought most church members have a good balance.

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