Higher Stakes Friendship
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I was feeling a little depressed last week because I found out that the Hostess Corporation declared bankruptcy, carrying more than $800 million of debt. We still haven't recovered from the crash of 2008, and the election year already seems even more rancorous than usual, but the thought of a world without Twinkies is too much to bear. My own personal belief is that the Twinkie is one of the great arguments for God.
There were also a few other emotional challenges that contributed to my feeling down. Someone at our church had given a really bad sermon (me), and I got into a really stupid argument that I had to go back and apologize for.
Then I got a call from my friend. Over time we have more or less drifted into the custom of calling each other early Monday morning to pray for each other. (At least it's early for me; he lives in Atlanta so much of his day goes unblessed. This is one of many reasons why it's wise to live in California.)
Somehow, whatever is going on in my life, it looks and feels a little different after being prayed over by my friend.
What an unusual gift lies behind that word "friend." Some things in life we can acquire by direct effort—people can make a pile of money, or get their bodies into great shape. But no one can make someone become their friend. Friendship happens, when it happens at all, as a gift.
People in church ministry are particularly vulnerable when they don't have friends. Another friend of mine told me recently a depressing litany about how many pastors are depressed, or have strayed sexually, or would take up another line of work if they thought they could get a good job. The single most powerful indicator of whether or not someone in pastoral ministry will be able to sustain their ministry is this: do they have a "full-disclosure friend," someone before whom they have no secrets?
What does a full-disclosure friendship look like? Another friend of mine (actually, he's a guy I really admire and like a lot, but we've never lived in the same town, so I probably can't legitimately call him a friend; he's more of a deeply-admired-good-chemistry-semi-disclosing-acquaintance) just gave me the five rules anyone needs to know.
He learned them in the oddest of places: an exercise class with five guys in it (go figure) who kind of hit it off. One night they decided to go out for dinner, and over time they found themselves getting together to talk about life, and eventually this led one of them to propose they try what they called "An Experiment in Friendship."
They began meeting together regularly for dinner. It usually lasts three hours. They talk about everything: family, work, sex, religion, dreams, fear, what ticks them off.
They are not a "small group." No church counts them in its "fellowship metrics." They don't even share the same faith: two of them are Buddhist, one is a religious mutt, one is "kind of a Christian," the other is a minister/seminary president. Yet my semi-disclosing-acquaintance, who has been as immersed in intensely relational ministry leadership as anyone I know, says it is the most profound group experience he's ever had.
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John Ortberg is pastor of Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in Menlo Park, California.
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Displaying 1–5 of 11 comments
David
Oh no... I had not heard about Hostess! Thanks for the great article; I'm sharing it with my friends.
W Bruce
The challenge really emerges, for both the group and an individual, when the confidence is betrayed. Twice I have been in Christian small groups (out of 5 or 6 spanning approx 25 yrs) that resulted in betrayal of a confidence. One was my best friend, which ultimately cost me a job; another by an executive team staff member at a church where I was recently added to staff - also cost me my position. Since then, I have been in only one other small group situation, which lasted about a year and a half (people moved out of town), over the past 10 years. Much of the sting has never left, though in both instances we attempted to go through a process based on Matt. 18. This is a cost that must be considered up front, though I still think it is most likely worth the risk.
Lyndsey
In this instance the men were willing to be vulnerable with each other. And promise to keep confidences. I think that is the clincher. In some church cultures it is easy for gossip to be cloaked in "prayer requests" by those unwilling or incapable of keeping people's personal revelations personal. We learn quickly to hold back. Sadly, I think men might have an easier time keeping other people's business to themselves. Something to consider in your small groups.
Joan Ball
Sounds like AA...
Raquel
Great article. As women we tend to have those deep frienships discussed in the article. It's a great encouragement that men can also find this level of committment to themselves and with one another.
