Leadership Journal

In their new book, Real Marriage, Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace, do more than address the topic of marriage. They let readers in on the intimate details of their own marriage: their arguments, past mistakes, and the healing they've experienced as a couple. They divulge sexual struggles. The book explains how Mark exalted sex as "god" and Grace saw it as "gross," before they both came to regard sex as "gift" from God.

The raw nature of the revelations has sparked controversy, and raised questions about whether pastors should be dispensing advice on sex. But others have found the book's candor refreshing, and unlike anything out on Christian marriage today. We talked with Mark about marriage and his motivation for writing the book.

What motivated you to write a book on marriage? Was it inspired by your own journey or a response to what you see in the culture?

Grace and I were high school sweethearts, trying to figure out our relationship. When we hit rough patches, we'd read books on marriage. Unfortunately those books didn't answer all our questions. Lots of the books on marriage are great if you've never experienced sexual assault or been abused or were exposed to pornography or sexual sins. We have had to learn some things the hard way, so now we have the chance to help people, which we started to do in counseling sessions, seminars, and teaching on marriage. Frankly, I wasn't sure we'd ever write this book because it required Grace to be very honest about her past.

You say it required Grace to be honest about her past, and in the book she was. But I sensed that you were holding back from describing some of your past. Is that true?

Everyone needs repentance, and I've told everything in my past to my pastor and to Grace. I was more like the older brother in the prodigal son story. My sins (in marriage) were self-righteousness, bitterness, and judgmentalism. I was lacking in compassion and empathy. As I said in the "Taking out the Trash" chapter, I didn't do well on the forgiveness side. It took years, and I thought of myself as "the good guy" and that's a very self-righteous, religious, and judgmental way to be in a marriage.

You wrote very directly about your sexual lives. Do you have some anxiety about doing that now that the book is out?

My life is extremely public. Everything I do and say is parsed and re-parsed and criticized and I'm used to that. My biggest concern is for my wife. She's different than I am. She is very honest, and when she wrote her story I asked, "Honey, are you sure you want to say that?" She said "yes," that she wants to be completely transparent and tell her story to help people. But because she's connected to me, I think she'll end up receiving the same treatment I do, and I can't prevent that. I have five kids as well. We want to live openly, to be examples as leaders and that includes repentance, but I've wondered, "Am I not protecting my wife?" I won't know until I've seen the reaction.

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