Why Women Resist Community
January 1, 1999
"But it's easy to build community in the women's ministry; women are so relational." That comment from a male colleague reflects a pervasive fallacy. While women may generally be more sensitive and verbal than men, we still struggle to develop relationships that foster true community. Recently our church planned a weekend retreat, but many women didn't sign up because, we heard later, they didn't know who their roommates would be. Some of these women had been in the church for more than ten years. I've also had women threaten to leave an event simply because their one friend didn't show up. Why do women, who seem so good at relationships, not feel at home in community? And how can we overcome those feelings in the church? 1. "She's better than I … " A group of moms from our church were meeting for tea and conversation. As the afternoon waned, Cass began feeling more and more angry about her place in life. Raising two toddlers left her little free time. As she listened to Wendy talk about her new-found freedom now that her children were all in school, Cass grew frustrated. She didn't have time to read books. She couldn't remember the last time she had time away from her children. Cass confessed to me later that she had little desire to meet with the women again. Women are tempted to compare season of life, children, husbands, hair styles, work, education, homes—you name it—and when we fall into this trap, we always come up short. We then tend to distance ourselves from those with whom we're comparing. 2. "I don't fit in because … " As a single woman, I often walk into a group where I am the only one without a mate or children. Whether I enjoy community depends in part on whether I give in to the thought ...
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