3. My wife rarely wants sex.

The basic male-female struggle about sexual drive suggests that the libido "switch" is defective in women—stuck in the "off" position. Fortunately that's not completely true, but compared to the male switch it often seems that way. It mostly relates to testosterone. Just acknowledging the difference and learning ways to adapt seems to be the best answer. Part of that adaptation entails talking about how it feels to each of you. Accepting and understanding it as a normal fact of life can pave the way for dealing with these other issues.

One of these that can be managed is the enticing menu of arousal factors. Testosterone plays a big part, but it's not the only thing that turns that switch on or off. For women the keys seem to be primarily relational. Whether or not she feels "cherished" seems to be the master-switch. When she feels put down, devalued, or abandoned, the switch clicks off. Open communication is the only way to discover how she feels and is also the primary way to correct the deficiencies. That includes the non-verbal communication, too. A scowl or look of exasperation sends loud messages.

To overcome barriers it becomes necessary to learn to express needs. We've found that many couples have a firm reluctance to do this. Not just sexual needs and desires but wants and preferences in general. The almost universal attitude is an assumption that if a mate really loves you, your needs and preferences will just be known. That is a fatal myth. Most of us are not able to operate that way. Maybe we should. It would be loving, thoughtful, and considerate. We probably have been told or at least had hints, but the fact is we're not very good at remembering what our mate wants. It seems to work much better to accept each other's limitations in mind reading and give the grace of just saying what we need. For instance, for you to tell your wife that you like when she initiates sex and are in a rare condition of vulnerability to sexual seduction right now would be better than remaining quiet and frustrated. Of course it works both ways. She may need to let you know that she finds herself with the irresistible urge to prepare herself to vamp you if she only had someone to vacuum the living room and get the kids to bed.

One other thing comes to mind. That is looking at how sexual behaviors are interpreted within a marriage. The nuances of our taste buds can create unnecessary bitterness. For instance, you may interpret that her switch is always off, that she interprets your attraction as lust, you wonder if her disinterest indicates infidelity, and you probably have conflicting interpretations about gender roles in initiating sexual play. More often than not these impressions or beliefs are not explored. It's remarkable how often they are mistaken. Even when the perceptions are accurate the reasons behind the behaviors may be surprising. For instance, Melissa was taught that nice girls don't behave seductively. She wasn't told that the rule doesn't apply toward her own husband after marriage. Louis "learned," probably from the media, that all women are highly motivated toward sexual play and if one isn't, it probably reflects on the attractiveness of the male she's with. No one mentioned the other hundred factors.

You probably just wanted to be encouraged about "bringing it up" or "doing all the initiating." Well, that's understandable. Keep bringing it up and never stop initiating!

Still looking for more answers? Click here for our Real Sex site.

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