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Q.What's the big deal about listening?

A.When you listen to a child you're subconsciously telling that child that he's important. There's nothing more encouraging to a child, preschooler or teenager, than to have her father's undivided attention when she's speaking to him.

When your kids talk, look them squarely in the eye. If they're little toddlers, from time to time get down on a knee so you can listen to them at eye level. They'll love you for it. And they'll come back for more.

What if my kids avoid me, but confide in their mom?

Kids who feel consistently misunderstood by their fathers aren't going to approach them. They're going to find someone else to talk to.

You've been misunderstood before, and so have I. It's a lousy experience. It may be a spouse, a friend, your boss. When people misunderstand you, they misread you. And if they continue to do so, you aren't going to have any desire to be around them.

Your children feel the same way. But when they know they have a dad who understands, or at least wants to understand, you won't be able to keep them away.

But I don't know what to do when my kids "lose it."

Your children need a dad who can understand their tears. Sometimes words just don't cut it. The hurt goes too deep. The only way they can communicate what's on their heart is through tears. Listen to those tears. Good dads know how to interpret their meaning.

Make sure that you are near when your kids are broken-hearted. And when their spirits get crushed, be quick to hold them, to love them and to comfort. That's a man's work. That's the work of a father. That's what real men do for their children.

And don't be afraid to shed a few tears yourself now and then. If Jesus could do it, so can you.

— Steve Farrar, founder of Men's Leadership Ministries, speaks frequently at men's conferences.

Credits: Adapted from—Anchor Man (Nelson, 1998)

Copyright © 2000 by the author or Christianity Today International/Men of Integrity. For reprint information click here.

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