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Q. You suggest practicing expressing your feelings with "I" statements. Why?

A. In a conflict with wife or children, it's always best to say "I" rather than "you," which can easily sound like an accusation: "I feel hurt by that action" (a report about me) versus "You did that again" (an attack on you). Focus on what's happening with you rather than on what the other person has done to cause friction. No one can argue with a report that you freely offer about yourself.

Tell us about your formula to use when you have a grievance and want to express it without attacking.

I call it the "that-this-please" technique, as in, "When you do that, I feel this, so please … (offer your request)." That: Say what happened. This: Say how you feel about it. Please: Express your desire for the future. Some examples:

• "When you slam the door, I feel jumpy, Please close it more quietly next time."
• "When you look at me like that, I wonder whether you're angry. Would you tell me what you're thinking now?"
• "When the dishes aren't done when I get home, I feel discouraged about the work facing me. So please keep up with that chore."
• "When you leave your toothbrush on the sink, I feel irritated. Would you please put it away from now on?"

By using this technique, you're teaching your children by example. Maybe they'll begin to use it on you:

• "When I hear criticism from you right after the game, I start feeling put down. Couldn't we talk about these things on the morning after?"

Jim Sundberg, a former baseball pro, has co-authored Sports Parenting wtih wife Janet.

Adapted from: Sports Parenting (WaterBrook, 2000) by permission.

Prayer for the Week

Dear Father, thank You for revealing Yourself to me. Now help me to constructively express myself to those I love.

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