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Q. How can I lay out the right consequences for my teenager?

A. The choices we give need to be:

Clear. We need to state what we expect their behavior to be and what the punishment will be if they fail to comply—before the punishment is applied.

Attainable. Tailor the requirements so the teenager can meet them. If they're too difficult, we cause more tension with accusations; if they're too easy, we fail to accomplish our goal of developing responsibility.

Consistent. Some teenagers say they have to guess what their parents want from them from day to day. That's not helpful, and it destroys trust. Don't change the requirements without talking about it first with your teenager, and your wife too.

Agreed upon. Each person needs to understand clearly the requirements and the outcome of compliance or noncompliance. Your teen-ager doesn't have to like it, but he needs to agree to abide by it. Some parents use a written contract that the teenager and the parents sign.

Expandable. In some cases the requirements can be changed if the teenager meets particular criteria. For example, if he makes certain grades, he'll get certain privileges with the car, and if he makes higher grades, he can have the car for more time.

Enforceable. A consequence isn't good at all if it isn't enforceable. For that reason, attitudes are usually not the kind of thing that consequences relate to. Actions are best. They're identifiable, measurable, and enforceable.

Rodney Gage, pastor of the Fellowship of Orlando, does "Wise Up" school assemblies.

Adapted from We Can Work It Out (Broadman & Holman, 2002) by permission.

Prayer for the Week

Heavenly Father, give me the wisdom and resolve to father my teens for their long-term benefit.

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