Who Said It
Everett Worthington Jr.

As a professor of psychology and chair of the psychology department at Virginia Commonwealth University, Dr. Worthington has won national recognition for his research and teaching in marital therapy and enrichment. A frequent speaker before national audiences, he is also the author of Humility: The Quiet Virtue and The Power of Forgiving.

What He Said
Relationship Rupture

When marriages deteriorate, they follow four predictable steps:

• Criticism. At first, people criticize each other in their mind. Then the criticism becomes verbal.
• Defensiveness. This appears as the person hears the criticisms. The defensiveness, initially mental, over time turns into arguments.
• Contempt. Criticism and defensiveness tend to focus on specific acts and qualities. Contempt, on the other hand, strikes directly at the other person, no longer seeing anything good in him or her.
• Rupture. A person hurt many times doesn't wish to be hurt again. He or she responds in one of two ways:
  a) Stonewall. To avoid being hurt, some turn their hearts into stone walls. As Simon and Garfunkel said, "A rock feels no pain." You can't get to me, each person thinks. Whatever you say will just bounce off my shell.
  b) Launch warfare. For others, pain is made tolerable by hurting the other person, so war erupts.

Adapted from Forgiving and Reconciling (InterVarsity, 2003) by permission.

Prayer for the Week

Lord, help me take the initiative in repairing any damaged relationships in my marriage.

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