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A mother once asked me about the mental health of her son. He had gone through some difficulties, and she wanted to know how to gauge his progress. Most of his troubles were clearing up, but she wondered about his overall development. What tests could I give him? What measures of performance could tell her about his mental state?

I said, "Tell me about his friends."

At first she didn't understand the seriousness of the question because it seemed so "non-technical." But as we discussed that simple subject, she began to get a much better read on her son and understand why it was such an important matter to explore. A child's friendships are much more than a reflection of his or her social skills. They are a reflection of that child's spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being.

While most of a child's significant character formation happens within the family, a child's interaction with friends is an important element of growth. It is with friends that a child learns to utilize what he's learning at home and put it into practice, establishing relational skills for the future. It's primarily through friends that a child solidifies the ability to make connections with other people.

It's important for parents to be tuned in to a child's capacity to make and keep friends in the world of play and school. I remember one life-changing incident with a friend's son. The child, Tim, had a pal over to play after school, and soon my friend could hear her son getting louder and louder, sounding very pushy about having his own way. She could tell that he wasn't doing much to share the agenda with the other child. At first, she wanted to go referee, but she held back to see what would happen.

Before long, things got quiet. She went in to the backyard and found her son alone. "Where's Jason?" she asked.

"He went home," her son replied.

"Why? Seems kind of early," she continued.

"I don't know. Just did," said her son.

But she knew better. "Tim, did Jason leave because you wouldn't share or let him have some choices?" she asked.

"I guess," he confessed.

"How do you feel now?" she asked.

"Okay," he said unconvincingly.

"I'm going into the kitchen, but I want you to sit out here and think about something," she said. "You can always try to get your own way if you want, and many times you will. But what will happen is that you won't have anyone to share whatever it is you want to do. People don't like to be around people who don't share. If you don't want to play alone, then think about how to give other kids a chance to make some decisions, too."

This mother had seen that Tim's ability to form connections with other kids was in need of a tune-up. This playtime gave her the opportunity to intervene. It changed Tim. He realized that if he was going to have friends he had to work on not being so selfish. But the point is not that kids can be selfish. The point is that Tim's mother saw that her child's patterns in friendship are the start of lifelong patterns that need to be observed and coached. Tim would need friends in life, and childhood was the time when he was learning how to have them. Tim's wise mother entered his world of friends in a timely manner, diagnosed a problem, and helped him grow.

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