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Stepfamilies aren't something you plan for. When I dreamed of being a mother, I never dreamed I would also one day be someone's stepmother. When I got married, I never dreamed I would allow my life and my marriage to spin out of control and lead me to divorce. My parents never divorced. Their parents never divorced. We didn't even have any family or friends who divorced. Yet at the age of 27 I suddenly found myself broken, repentant—and the single mom of two very young children.

Fast-forward three years, and God beautifully restored me and brought an incredible Christian man into my life. He had three daughters, and the seven of us got along famously. Our wedding invitations asked guests to join in the wedding of "Natalie, Jessica, and Joshua" to "Adam, Lorra, Leigha, and Lydia." Following the ceremony, we rode off into the sunset for a lifetime of marital and familial bliss.

Well, not exactly.

Over the past few years, I've discovered that stepfamilies are kind of like salad dressing. You can shake us up and we blend really well for moments, days, months even.

After a while, though, we have a tendency to settle back into original family lines and loyalties.

Then there are the challenges. We have faced courtrooms, authorities, teen troubles, and new babies. Few stepfamilies come to be because of happy circumstances—there is typically a divorce or death to be dealt with. In the worst cases, there are issues of abuse or abandonment that may never fully heal.

And yet stepfamilies can be a place of indescribable healing for both parents and kids. In our family, the children are growing up with the knowledge and love of Christ. They see firsthand that marriages can stay strong and stable. While our relationships are not perfect, they continue to improve.

It takes a lot of trial and error to find the right disciplinary styles, family activities, and ways to feel like a family. But over the past eight years, we have discovered a few principles that have helped our children adapt to this new family.

The Bible says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" (James 1:2-3). Notice it doesn't say "if" but "when." When you bring many personalities together under one roof there will inevitably be some clashes.

Children—and adults—in stepfamilies need lots of reassurance that the struggles are normal. That starts with the admission that growing closer will be a long and often very difficult process. Give the kids permission to struggle with this enormous change. Listen patiently as they express frustrations or hurt feelings and be open to their ideas for building bridges between the two families. Do your best to model compassion and flexibility as you settle into your new role.

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