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A few weeks ago, I was wrapping up a huge editing project, one that I was spending long days completing. In order to get it done, I had to rely on my husband and my mother to care for our three children while I worked in the living room. One night as I took a break to eat, my 5-month-old was unusually fussy. When no one else could soothe her, I took her in my arms and she immediately settled down and stopped crying.

"She misses you when you work so much," my mother quipped. Okay, I admit I was really stressed out, but her words made something in me snap. "Well I'm sorry she has a mother who works!" I growled at my mom.

Normally, my mom and I agree on parenting issues — after all she did teach me most of what I know about motherhood. But like all mothers, we have our moments of disagreement. And for reasons I have only recently begun to understand, when moms disagree, things can get ugly.

Surely you've had a conversation with another mom, even a mom who is a good friend, that suddenly degenerates into a subtle argument about why breastfeeding is better or why she doesn't have her kids on a strict schedule or why you feel it's okay for you to work outside the home. Sometimes we even cloak our mothering opinions in spiritual terms in an effort to make other moms see that our way isn't just the "right" way, it's God's way. There is something about motherhood that brings out our defenses and makes it almost impossible for moms to agree to disagree.

After nine years of motherhood, I think I've finally figured out what it is that makes us moms dig our heels in on parenting issues like homeschooling, working, spanking, nursing, preschool, media choices, and the list goes on and on. I really believe our defensiveness is born out of our deep fear that we might not be doing everything right.

The love we have for our children can sometimes be overwhelming. We desperately want the best for them. And so we think long and hard about the way we want to parent them. We read and study and investigate to find the best diapers and discipline techniques, potty chairs and preschools, babysitters and books. Our children depend on us to make choices for them, and we have a lot invested in doing our very best. So when someone comes along and emphatically tells us that they have made a different choice, it triggers our fears and insecurities. It makes us question our choices.

Those questions set off an automatic defense mechanism in an effort to stave off the discomfort of doubt. So we argue with other moms. Or we stew silently and make a mental note not to spend so much time with a friend who has made a choice we disagree with. Or we gossip, or we judge.

Honestly, I have done all of the above at one point and you know what? Not one of those approaches has ever changed the mothering style of another woman. In fact, my attitude of self-righteousness has had only one result: I feel less connected with other moms. So I'm learning to let go of my defenses and judgmentalism and recognize that unless another mom is doing real damage to her children, she probably needs my friendship and support more than she needs me to tell her why my way is better than hers.

Our loving God has given us so much in our beautiful children. It's only natural that we want to do right by them. We need to always seek God's wisdom and help. But he also has given us the ability to think for ourselves, to listen to our own instincts, and to know our children intimately enough to mother them well. We need to let God work in our lives, as well as the lives of other moms, by dropping our defenses and offering each other the love and support every mom needs to thrive.

Carla Barnhill is the author of The Myth of the Perfect Mother (Baker), and the mother of three fabulous children. She and her family live in Minnesota.

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