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Elsa Kok Colopy wrote The Single Mom's Guide to Finding Joy in the Chaos (Revell, 2006). In this new MOPS book release, Elsa doesn't sugarcoat the hard places that exist for single moms, but tries to give hope and help for uncovering the good stuff. Elsa is the former editor of Single Parent Family edition and associate editor of Focus on the Family magazine. MOMSense editor Mary Darr talked with newly married Elsa in her Arkansas home about the reality of single parenting—how she coped with the loneliness, faced the challenges as a single mom and found joy and strength in the process.

As a single mom, how did you find joy for you and your daughter?

I was a single mom for 12 years. Sam, my daughter, was 18 months old when my divorce took place. For a long time, I couldn't see the good stuff. Life was about paying bills and getting the job done. Being a single parent IS tough. The joy only came as I looked for it. I made a conscious effort to look for things that were good in my life. I started a gratitude journal and thought about all the things I did have (instead of how I didn't have a husband, money, nice car, yada yada). I noticed the sunset, the feel of a warm shower, Sam's laugh (which is awesome). Joy came as I realized that even though I didn't have the things I once dreamed of, I did have a precious girl, good friends and a decent pillow to sleep on. But the joy didn't happen overnight. Gratitude took practice; bitterness came much easier. It took time to develop a heart that saw the good. God definitely helped me with that. As I grew in my faith, I grew in my joy. That made a huge difference in my single-parent world. And I had days of grumpiness. I didn't hop and skip through the single-parent years, but I learned a greater appreciation for the good and sweet moments.

What challenges did you face as a single mom? Were you hard on yourself?

As a single mom, my greatest challenge was loneliness. I was fine until I got Sam into bed, but those late evening hours were horrible. I made it worse by watching a romantic comedy and eating a bucket of popcorn and a mountain of chocolate. Not the best move. And yes, I was hard on myself. If I didn't stay and read the bedtime story (three times, as requested), I would beat myself up. If I hadn't played with Sam that night, or if I was short with her, I'd give myself a good tongue-lashing in the mirror. Take these things and throw in a touch of self-pity, and I had the perfect recipe for feeling sorry for myself. Which I did. Regularly. Why did I go through a divorce? Why did I end up alone? Why was I so poor? Many times I ended up in a pitiful mood because I focused solely on the things I did wrong and the heartbreak of being alone.

How did you ease your loneliness?

One of the hardest things about single-parent life was that I was starving for the normal touch of another human being. I remember one special occasion when I received a gift certificate for a massage, my first one ever. It was the perfect gift, and I couldn't wait. I went to the spa and got settled on the massage table, face down. The woman began to work on my shoulders and my back. It felt so good … and I was surprised by what happened next. Tears. They slipped from my eyes and dropped to the floor beneath me. Once I realized how much I missed touch, I tried to find healthy ways to fill that need. I hinted at gift certificates for massages. I hugged family and friends more often; I held hands with my girl. It made a difference.

How important were friendships for you and your daughter during that time?

Friendship is SO important. Friendship for single moms and their kids can be a lifesaver. As I built friendships, I was less likely to hide in a romantic comedy, chocolate or pity. Instead, I called a friend who listened as I vented and who genuinely cared about my hurt and frustration. Friendship mattered for Sam, too. Granted, I'm a barrel of laughs on a good day, but she needed more than me. She needed kids who laughed and played with her. When she was happily occupied, I could focus on other things, or rest or even hang out with my friends. We also got together with other single parents and their children. As the kids played, the parents spent time together. It was healing for all of us. It took a little planning—finding a free day for single parents is a near-impossible task. But it's well worth the effort.

Was it hard for you to celebrate with your daughter when she had special times with her dad?

On my best days, I loved that Sam had a fun relationship with her dad. I celebrated with her. I wanted her to enjoy time with him at his home, wrapped up in his love. On my not-so-good days, I felt sorry for myself. I compared my home to his, and my fun factor to his enthusiasm. He had the big pool, the cool slide and the big TV. My little pool in the backyard was covered in slime and filled with various critters. It just didn't compare. So it was tough to hear about the exciting things Sam was doing when I didn't have the money or the resources to provide the same entertainment. Yet even on those hard days, I tried to put on a good face and a big smile. I only whined in my journal (to God) or to my closest friends.

How did you have fun with your daughter when she was younger?

Sam and I have built 12 years of fun memories that weren't about big money events, especially since we didn't have any cash. We rode bikes. We jumped on a trampoline (to see how many times we could jump without stopping). We blew bubbles and chased them across the lawn. Our big favorite was water gun fights. Drenched and dripping, we chased each other around the side of our duplex. Really silly, but way fun. It took me awhile to loosen up and have fun with Sam. I often had good intentions, only to sit on my duff in front of the TV. But when I did go out and have fun with her, just by being goofy, those were the best choices I made in her preschool years. And for Sam, those moments were critical. They let her know that I enjoyed being with her and were a steady reminder that I loved her. If you don't know how to play with your kids, practice. Pull out a board game, tell jokes from a joke book or color in a coloring book on the floor. Make up a story with silly characters or play catch in the backyard. It might feel a little outrageous to play when you have dirty dishes in the sink, but do it anyway.

What were your dreams as a single woman/mom?

I had enough dreams fall to the wayside that I didn't know how to dream anymore. None of my dreams had come true. I wasn't sure what to do with what was left. The process of rebuilding those dreams came as my faith in God grew. His love and his people helped give me hope again. They told me that God still had a future for me, and that in his hands, it would be safe to dream again. As I got to know God better, I started to understand his character. And as I grew to love him, my childhood dreams (in a newer grown-up version) were resurrected and rebuilt. The more I knew God, the more I loved him, and the more I understood how much he loved me. I began to see the broken pieces of my life in a different light. I saw how he planned to use them to make something beautiful. The Bible says that God will bring beauty from ashes. That's exactly what he did in my life. Now, I've gone from focusing on all those broken pieces to passionately telling others about what he's done. God is the one who scoops up our broken dreams, puts them back together and deposits them (with delight) into our world.

How did your life dramatically change in 2005?

I remarried on July 1, 2005—the perfect celebration for one of the best love stories ever. I met my husband, Brian, at a Single Adult Ministries conference. I was teaching a workshop on single-parent ministry, and he attended the class to help his church grow in their single-parent outreach. We didn't really talk at the conference, just a quick hello. But when he wrote me two months later asking if I remembered him, I did. We became friends through e-mail, and several months later he came to my area on business. The sparks were flying. Soon after, we began dating long distance (he was in Ohio; I was in Colorado). We got together as I spoke at different retreats and conferences. As the relationship grew serious, we met family and friends, and I introduced Brian to Sam. She connected with him right away. His easygoing manner is a perfect fit for her.

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