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He Said, She Said
He said, "She's too outspoken."
Timothy Jones and Jill Zook-Jones
 1 of 2
He said, "She's too outspoken."
Tim's Side:
Sharing my frustrations with others and confronting people are two
things I do only as a last resort. I consider myself more of a natural diplomat,
which has its advantages.
Jill is just the opposite, although her cut-to-the-chase directness was one
of the first things that attracted me to her. I sometimes found myself wishing
I had her ability to be so forthright. She doesn't mince words when she disagrees
with someone—an approach that comes in handy when an exterminator or plumber
does a sloppy job and needs to be challenged. But sometimes her honesty makes
me cringe.
Take, for instance, a church board meeting I'll never forget. Some of the
suggestions Jill and I made were drawing fire from others. Finally Jill turned
to one church leader and said, "Chuck, it seems to me that you put work first,
family second and God third." I couldn't have agreed more, yet Jill's approach
made me want to slink off into a corner.
Honesty is one thing, but bluntness? If it had been up to me, I would have
met Chuck later for coffee—then inched up to the issue of his priorities.
As soon as we got home that night, I phoned Chuck to set up a breakfast meeting
to smooth out the situation.
When I found myself worrying about what Jill would blurt out next, I realized
it was time to try to reconcile our differing styles of handling conflict.
She said, "He won't speak up."
Jill's Side:
I've always loved Tim's gentleness and his kind, low-key manner.
But as much as I admire his "niceness," I'm convinced it sometimes stands
in the way of truly honest relating.
Years ago, when I brought Tim home to meet my parents, they got concerned
when he and I had disagreements. They would tell me, "You should be nicer
to Tim." They seemed to think he needed someone to defend him, which he didn't.
But I'll admit it was hard not to feel like the "bad guy" when I was arguing
with someone as chronically pleasant as Tim.
We've been in a number of situations where it seemed that Tim cared more
about keeping the conversation amiable than being truthful. Take the church
board meeting where our differing styles were so apparent. I felt he was
more concerned about not offending someone who was politically important
in the church than he was about confronting Chuck with the truth.
I began to wonder if Tim's pleasantness grew more out of a need to be liked
by others than out of true compassion. I wanted him to take more risks by
speaking the truth directly when situations called for it. Whenever something
wasn't right or someone tried to take advantage of us, why did I always have
to be the one to confront the person and face his or her ire? I needed Tim
to help carry that load.
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