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Understanding each other's different approaches to conflict and confrontation didn't come quickly. Indeed, the Joneses had been married eight years when their differences clashed during the church board meeting. Not only were their contrasting approaches affecting their marriage, but their shared ministry was being impacted as well. Something had to give.

"The more I talked with Jill, the more I realized I was too worried about how people would take challenging words," reflects Tim. "I had to face my fear that something I said would turn people against me."

Seeing good results come from Jill's direct style further encouraged Tim to change. "Jill and I would come out of a meeting we led or a Bible study we taught and I saw that it was her comments that stirred discussion. I saw the value of not always being so careful with how I expressed myself."

As Tim's confidence grew, he found himself more willing to urge individuals to change, and not just accept them as they are. "I've learned how important it is to challenge others, as well as compliment them."

For Jill, change came as she saw that "love ultimately has more power than words" when serving or leading others. "As I watched Tim, I realized how important it is to speak the truth in love," she explains. "And I began to pray for more compassion."

Learning about spiritual gifts also helped them become more accepting of one another. The Joneses realized their individual tendencies weren't superior or inferior—just different.

"We saw that God gives some people the gift to speak boldly, while others are spiritually gifted to bring encouragement," says Jill.

Tim adds, "That helped us realize that our marriage—as well as the people we knew and related to—all needed the unique strengths we each brought." That insight has led them to value their contrasting styles. The temptation to change each other's ways of handling a conversation has given way to respect and admiration.

In fact, Tim says, he and Jill sometimes switch roles. "Often we surprise one another: I'm the one reacting strongly to someone's moral compromise or shoddy workmanship."

"We love each other so much and consider our marriage so important that we are determined to mesh our different personalities and gifts," says Jill. And, like a tapestry that is all the richer for its different stitches and hues, the Joneses find their marriage—and all their relationships—stronger because of their differences.

if you know a couple with a creative solution to a marriage problem, let us know. We'll pay $25 for each story that is featured in this column. Send the couple's name, phone number and a short description of their problem and solution to:

Work It Out
Marriage Partnership
465 Gundersen Drive
Carol Stream, Illinois 60188
E-mail: mp@marriagepartnership.com

Copyright © 1996 by Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership Magazine.

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