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Something as seemingly minor as dinnertime tested Paula and Doug's ability to work as a team. Early in their marriage, they had a number of dinnertime disagreements. Paula's mother worked outside the home and often wasn't home for dinner. Her stepfather prepared a meal for her and her brother on the nights when her mom was gone. Doug's mother, in contrast, almost always made dinner for him and his siblings. He came into marriage expecting that Paula would do likewise. Paula, however, expected Doug to pitch in and help.

Frustrated with the reccurring argument, they finally discussed their conflicting expectations and how their expectations were formed. Having done that, they were able to reach a compromise that worked for both of them: Paula would cook on weeknights and Doug would cook on weekends, and whoever didn't cook would do the dishes.

Battling the "Foes Within"
Arguments in the middle years of marriage focus less on friends, relatives and household chores and more on communication, sex and the kids. The sources of conflict shift from the "foes without" (relationships outside the home) to the "foes within" (relationships inside the home). Once the in-law and friend issues are resolved, there are plenty of problems to work on at home.

Consider a typical argument between Cathy and Kyle, who have been married 14 years.

Cathy: I think you were too hard on Timmy when you yelled at him for dropping his ice cream cone in the car.

Kyle: He wasn't paying attention to what he was doing. How do you think he's going to learn? (Kyle turns away and begins to leave the room.)

Cathy: Well, the only thing he's going to learn from you is how to yell. Why are you walking away? We need to talk about this!

Kyle: (As he continues walking.) Who made you the authority on what he needs? You're so soft on Timmy you're going to ruin him.

Cathy: You always shut me out when you get mad. That's so childish. (A look of contempt crosses her face as Kyle walks out the door.)

By the time Kyle checked out of the argument, a discussion about parenting styles had turned into a fight over poor communication and how the couple worked through conflict. It's not surprising that couples in the middle years of marriage argue about their kids. At this stage of life, couples devote significant resources to the needs of their children. Decisions about discipline, education and lifestyle offer plenty of opportunities for conflict.

But many people don't realize the importance of what happens during an argument. Conflict that is kept within proper boundaries usually leads to a greater understanding between spouses and a problem being solved. But if couples allow their arguments to degenerate into endless critiques of one another and character assassination, the arguments soon strike at the very core of the other person. Cathy and Kyle ended their conversation with personal attacks. Research indicates that such arguments are the most destructive and painful of all because they tear at the fabric of a couple's sense of connection and intimacy.

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