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Q & A
Gift-Giving Headache, Futile Attraction and a Neglected Husband
Jay Kesler
 1 of 3
Q: My wife comes from a wealthy family, and every Christmas
each adult family member spends scandalous amounts of money buying gifts
for one another. On the other hand, my family is content to share inexpensive
gifts. My wife and I earn a modest salary, but she thinks it's okay to exhaust
our December budget on her family while spending a pittance on mine. What
would you do if you were in my shoes?
A: Try again to talk with your wife, expressing yourself the way you
have in this letter. Discuss with her what makes gift-giving meaningful.
What does your wife feel is being accomplished by giving lavish gifts to
members of her family? If she feels the gifts convey that she can "keep up,"
she is actually buying the gifts out of her own need to appear successful
and not to meet the needs of her family.
She should realize that her relatives probably have a fair idea that those
expensive gifts are too big a stretch for your family budget. They may feel
embarrassed, or even a little guilty, over receiving the gifts. Scaling back
on gift-giving might make them feel better, since they would know you were
spending within your means.
Or it may be that your wife honestly feels these expensive gifts are the
best way to show her relatives she loves them. If that's the case, help her
brainstorm creative gift ideas that will demonstrate love without costing
an arm and a leg—perhaps something handmade; a meaningful card or poem;
or some unique, inexpensive item that shows you thought a lot about the
recipient's interests or talents. Investing yourselves makes a gift far more
meaningful than investing your limited cash.
Q: Before I got married 20 years ago, I was engaged
to another woman. She broke it off because she wasn't ready to make a commitment.
A few months ago this woman called me and said she still loves me. I told
my wife about the conversation, but not about the inner turmoil I've been
feeling. I keep thinking about all the "what ifs"—how my life would be different
now if I had married the other woman. My marriage is good, but it could be
much better. Now that my old girlfriend has shown up, I'm tempted to rethink
my commitment to my wife. What's the answer?
A: The temptation you describe is one of the most common, the most
subtle and the most dangerous that married people face. It has the potential
to destroy your marriage and your happiness.
Everyone has opportunities to rethink major life decisions. But once you've
made a decision that involves another person—and your relationship with
God—no good can come from looking back. When you married, you entered into
an unbreakable covenant with your wife and with God, and second-guessing
can lead to serious sin.
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