Home > Marriage > Family Concerns > Partners or Parents?
Partners or Parents?
How to make sure the rigors of child-rearing pull you together rather than push you apart
David and Claudia Arp
 1 of 5
To balance your roles as partners and parents, you need two things: advance preparation and on-the-job training. No matter what season of marriage you're in, children will affect how you relate as husband and wife. And while kids do complicate life, the shared tasks of being both partners and parents can become the most rewarding experience you'll have as a couple.
"Enriching your marriage while parenting your kids sounds like an oxymoron!" Catherine, the mother of three, told us. "I don't have enough time or energy to be a good-enough parent, much less a good-enough wife!" Catherine and her husband, Alex, are committed to their children and to each other. But these days their marriage is on the back burner.
Catherine continues, "After juggling a part-time job, trying to meet the needs of three children, figuring out what we're going to have for dinner, and then getting the kids in bed, I just want to collapse into my recliner."
Alex added, "I put in a 12-hour day at work and I'm tired, too. I try to help Catherine—especially with the kids—but by the time we are alone, I'm exhausted."
Their children's physical needs must be met, of course, but what about Catherine and Alex's needs? Since the parents' marriage is the anchor for the family, investing in your marriage is investing in your family. While it's never easy to build your marriage while parenting your kids, it's vital to the health of both! And the time to begin is before the kids arrive.
The Early Years
Time to Talk
Married in their early 30s, Kimberly and Mark know how overwhelming the thought of being totally responsible for another human being can be. Since they both came from single-parent homes, they made every effort to prepare for marriage. But feeling like they were ready for parenthood—that was a totally different matter.
To begin preparing for parenthood, they discussed such questions as "Will children come between us and hurt our relationship? Can we afford kids? Will we both continue to work outside the home? What about paternity leave? How many children do we want and how close together? If we can't have children, would we want to adopt?" All are good questions to ask, and answer, before becoming parents.
Even though outside pressures and biological clocks pushed them toward parenthood, they decided to wait a couple of years. "Having a child right now," Kimberly said, "would mean giving up much of our freedom, social life and time for each other. Plus, since neither of us came from homes with stable marriages, we want to make sure our relationship is rock-solid before we add children to the mix."
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