Home > Marriage > He Said ... She Said ... > He Said, She Said
He Said, She Said
He said, "She's a social maniac." She said, "He's the ultimate homebody."
Paul Kortepeter
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Steve's Side:
My idea of a perfect evening is to spend time with Dori or get together with a few friends. I'm reasonably outgoing around people I know, but in a bigger mix I'm more reserved. Large parties drain my energy, make me edgy and leave me frustrated because I can't spend quality time with any one individual.
Dori, on the other hand, is always the life of the party. She can carry on three conversations at once. When I started dating her, I admired the way she could walk confidently into any social situation. We were both working in the entertainment industry in Los Angeles. Dori could interact easily with members of a grunge band or a rap group—she doesn't have a shy bone in her body.
Soon after we married, I quit my job to pursue a writing career. The long hours I spent alone, tapping away at the computer, only reinforced my natural homebody tendencies. Soon, I was using my writing and the solitude it required as an excuse to avoid participating in Dori's fast-paced social life. We fought a lot about how to spend our evenings.
One time Dori accepted an invitation to a dinner and dance party, assuming I would attend it with her. But the night of the event, I explained that I had never promised I would go. We exchanged some ugly words and Dori went stag. Our social life as a couple ended that night. Dori started doing her thing, and I did mine.
Dori's Side:
When I was working as a financial manager in the music industry, "schmoozing" at parties and promotional events was an integral part of my job. I'm naturally gregarious, and a room full of people energizes me.
When I first met Steve, I was drawn to his thoughtful personality. In contrast to most of the people I encountered in the entertainment world, he was stable, trustworthy and attentive—a real solid Midwestern guy. When we got married, I assumed he would like going out as much as I did. I didn't give much thought to his preferences, and I became lazy about consulting him before I made social plans.
Over time, it was like pulling teeth to get him to interact with my colleagues. Steve lost interest in joining me in professional social obligations, and when he did go along he kept to himself. Other people assumed he was aloof and arrogant.
Gradually, as Steve poured himself into his writing, he even stopped spending time with our personal friends. I realized that if I wanted to have a social life, I'd have to do it alone.
I developed a pattern of staying out late, whether crunching numbers at the office or attending industry parties. A month before our fifth anniversary, I stayed out until two in the morning without calling Steve. When I got home, we had a terrible fight. It was obvious then that something had to change.
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