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Stand by Me
Being married should mean having someone who's always on your side, not on your case
Alicia Howe
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Have you ever been at a party and heard people belittle their spouses? "You know how Howard is. He's so absent-minded, sometimes I think I should sew his key chain to his shirt." Or "Did Jenny tell you she's applying for that job as project manager? Like she has a chance!"
Often we rationalize such cutting remarks by saying, "I was only joking." But I don't buy that. An unkind remark always hurts; it always dis-courages—the opposite of what our mates need. Discouragement diminishes their sense of worth, defeats their hopes and erodes their courage.
That's the word at the heart of encouragement—"courage." When we encourage our spouses, we stoke up their spirits and build their confidence, giving them courage to face difficult challenges. We're all confronted by negativism, evil influences, shrinking paychecks and growing bills, more work to get done in less time, and pressures that seem never to let up. As spouses, it's up to us to make sure the supply of encouragement meets the demand. But it seems that husbands and wives often do just the opposite.
Choosing Sides
When I hear someone make barbed remarks about his or her mate, it makes me think of a Learning Experience (otherwise known as a Major Argument) my husband, Dan, and I had many years ago. At work that afternoon, I had become embroiled in a heated difference of opinion with Ron, a co-worker, about how a project should be done. Without my knowledge, he had gone ahead and started the project. I felt that Ron had not only overstepped his role but plunged into my professional turf.
That evening I was still fuming when Dan walked in the door. He hadn't even taken off his coat before I launched into a long, outraged narration of the day's events. In his thoughtful, analytical way, my husband took in my heated tale, reflected on it for a minute, and then said, "I'm not so sure Ron was out of line. It sounds like what he did was pretty logical, and I don't think he meant to cut you out. It seems like you're overreacting."
I stared at him for a nanosecond, and then I lost it completely. I burst into tears and ran out of the room. Dan was still trying to figure out what had happened when I came back.
"Don't you understand that I need you to be on my side?" I asked him. "Don't you think there are enough people out there to tell me I'm wrong, or criticize me or make negative remarks? I have to be able to count on one person in this world to always be on my side. Is it so much to expect my husband to be that person?"
Again, he pondered and reflected.
"You're right," he said. "And I'll be that person from now on."
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