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Is it premature to talk to someone else? Sometimes it's tempting to tell others about an incident before you've had a chance to cool off, pray about the problem and work through it with your spouse.

"I encourage people not to act on impulse," says Schemper. "If you're struggling, it's easy to think, 'I have to talk to someone!' and then blurt out your whole story without thinking through the implications. A lot of people tell me with great regret about times they chose to talk about a certain crisis and then down the road wished they hadn't."

Schemper recommends that you ask yourself, "Will there be damaging consequences I can never undo if I share this information?"

What is my goal? Before you air negative feelings and information about your spouse, be sure you understand what you're trying to accomplish. If you're trying to get advice to solve a problem, make sure the problem really needs to be solved. As one husband puts it, "Marriages partly last because you don't choose to confront your spouse about every little thing. Maybe my wife doesn't do such and such, but I'm willing to put up with it because she does do all these other things."

There's nothing inherently wrong with seeking relief from negative emotions, as long as you don't make the problem worse in the process. But if, after challenging your own motivations, you realize that you're trying to get back at your spouse-or you're unloading on a friend as a substitute for tackling an issue directly with your partner-put a lid on that steam.

What are appropriate boundaries? The first rule is "do no harm." This principle may mean different things in different situations. One woman going through a serious crisis in her marriage chose not to share her painful struggle with her parents and siblings. Her reasoning was simple: "If my marriage survives, I would have given my family information about my husband that would affect how they see him for the rest of their lives. I don't want our marriage to have that kind of burden."

If you need to unburden yourself, but are concerned about the potential fallout, determine in advance how much detail you will share. Carla Schemper observes, "When you choose someone to confide in, say, 'I need to talk to someone and I trust you to keep my confidences, but I think it's in my best interest not to share all the specifics. Some things have happened between my spouse and me that have put a strain on our relationship and I'm having trouble handling my anger. Since you know me, maybe you can help me find a way to handle my resentment.'"

A good guideline to use is that the depth of revelation should be appropriate to the depth of the friendship. A friend of mine says that, with most people, she would never go beyond venting "little bursts of steam" about minor irritations in her marriage. "I might tell a friend how it bugs me that Todd collects so much junk," she says, "but I'd never share any painful problems unless it was with someone I trusted very deeply."

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