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Some friends of mine struggled with this tension. Dan and Tina both work during the day, but Dan also serves as his church's choir director. Most of the time they do a good job of protecting precious couple time—but not during the holidays. As Tina recalled, "That first year I was convinced he didn't care about me. Most nights he'd rush in after work and rush right out again—to hold emergency practices or to build sets for the Christmas pageant. And I was stuck at home with two kids."

Eventually Tina realized the situation was only temporary. Once the Christmas cantata was over, Tina had her husband's attention back. Her whole outlook on the month of December changed when she lowered her expectation for what their lives would be like. She started blaming the heavier workload instead of blaming her husband.

The stress of parenting was the fox in my marriage vineyard. A few years ago, the strain of having two teenage daughters threatened to drive my husband and me apart. As the only male in the household, Barry said he felt "hormonally outnumbered," and he emotionally distanced himself. He didn't know how to handle female mood swings, and even began thinking of me as "one of them." He didn't like being at home, which I took as evidence that he didn't like being with me.

One day when we were in the car, Barry told me how alone he felt. I assured him that he and I were a team, and our daughters wouldn't always be teenagers. Just letting him know it wasn't "three against one" encouraged him. Now his attitude is, "We can handle this," with the emphasis on we.

That idea of being in it together is crucial when it comes to the difficult child-rearing years. Marriage and family counselors Jeanette and Robert Lauer explained to me that marital satisfaction is at its lowest during those parenting years. "This is the time a couple needs to stick together and explore the best ways to remain a team," advised Robert.

Sometimes all it takes is a shift in your point of view. When things go wrong and seem to stay that way, it's easy to fear that your marriage is going down the tubes. But the Lauers suggest a shift in your thinking. Instead of seeing your mate or your marriage as "the problem," think in terms of "We have a good marriage; this is just a low spot common to every couple." Then, they advise, sit down and work out a solution.

That's what my friends Mike and Penny did. Mike travels a lot in his job, and Penny couldn't help resenting the time he spent away from the family. She'd give him the silent treatment before he left and nag him once he got home. Then Mike's boss offered some good advice: "No matter how tired you are or how many meals you eat out on the road, take your family out to dinner your first night home." Penny said the celebration dinner doesn't make Mike's absences any less painful, but it does make her feel she's Mike's priority.

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