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Couples generally enter marriage with engines revving, but sooner or later find their relationship "idling." The thrill is gone, arguments easily become overheated, and the pressure of jobs, kids and a mortgage is on. What causes this once smooth-running machine to knock and sputter?

The biggest culprits are dangerous patterns of thinking that wear your marriage down and lead to big blow-outs. When conflicts become habitual, it's not surprising that you begin to think negatively far more often than you consider your marriage's positive aspects. Here are a few of the warning lights. Any of these look familiar?

1. Feeling bored with your spouse. Before you were married, getting to know each other and establishing a deep commitment were welcome challenges. But now you've "been there, done that" on just about everything. Both of you sense the lack of excitement, but life is so crowded it's easy to stop making the effort to learn more about each other. Yawn.
   
2. Focusing on differences. The same opposite traits that you once found so charming are now simply annoying. I can't tell you how many times I've caught myself thinking: "We'd get so much more accomplished if Chris [my wife] would just do things my way."
   
3. Fixating on a fantasy. It's easy to fall into a habit of daydreaming about your "perfect spouse" as an escape from dealing with the real one. Some of this is natural—at times the fantasy is a lot simpler to handle. But you can take it too far, especially when you become disappointed because your spouse doesn't meet the impossible standards of your fantasy. Wake up! Dreams are just that—dreams.
   
4. Avoiding your mate. Setting aside a little time for yourself is healthy. For instance, I try to take a solo camping trip once a year. But if you're avoiding contact with your spouse, or if the time you spend together feels like a chore, that's a clear warning that you need to spend even more time together.
   
5. Pursuing individual goals. Couples often get discouraged when they find it difficult to establish joint goals. When communication starts to break down, you're quick to think, "My spouse isn't going to listen to me anyway. So I'll just go ahead and make this decision myself." Before you know it, you're focusing on what you need instead of what's best for both of you.
   
6. Reaching the boiling point. When everything your mate does seems to make you crazy, irritable and just plain mad, that's a clear signal that your attitudes are mired in negativity. But if you think back, you'll remember a time when your relationship was full of promise. What changed?
   

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