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It's supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year," but the strain of the four-week Advent season can test even the strongest of marriages.

You'll go to extreme lengths to make meaningful memories for your kids. You'll try to blend three family traditions (hers, his and ours). Possibly you'll travel hundreds of miles to visit loved ones. You'll write, rewrite and distribute a Christmas letter (bonus point if you include hand-written notes), spend hours shopping for presents (bonus point for time-consuming homemade gifts) and attend the obligatory office parties, neighborhood get-togethers, church socials and school programs (triple bonus points if you host a party).

No wonder your idea of peace on earth has shrunk to 30 minutes of quiet—so you can wrap presents.

'Tis the season to make some changes. For Christmas 1998, you and your mate can exchange these patterns for a saner Christmas. Here's how to beat the stresses of the holiday season.

1. Say what you expect. As holiday tensions increase, so do conflicts. As you get more tired, the more you expect your spouse to pick up the slack. When these unfair expectations don't get met, you both feel resentful. So expectations should be stated, collaborated and related. "Stating" means discussing roles and responsibilities for each person. "Collaborating" is working together to resolve differences. "Relating" is honoring your relationship in all your actions. Get down to the nitty gritty! Tell your mate why it's important that you stay up 'til the wee hours baking cookies and writing personal notes on Christmas cards. Make specific plans for decorations—big trees vs. little tree, who will put up outdoor lights, which rooms you'll decorate indoors.
   
2. Put your marriage and family first. It's hard to take care of each other when you're worried about disappointing loved ones. But if both sets of grandparents plan simultaneous celebrations, someone's got to be disappointed. Don't sacrifice your spouse's needs. Decide together what you want to happen in December. Maybe you should say no to your uncle's annual snowmobiling trip so you can skate with your own kids.
   
3. Share the load. Holiday preparations tend to fall on one person's shoulders—which isn't good for either spouse. The one with the heavy workload feels resentful; the other partner feels useless and disconnected.
   Seek a balance of duties and agree on priorities before the rush begins. To create a balance, let some duties go and mix up other chores. Last Christmas when I was pregnant, Jim bought stocking stuffers for his family's Christmas celebration—a job I normally handle. We're still laughing over the funny gifts he chose!
   

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