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Wife: "Look at this. I just got back from the cleaners and there is a gray stain all over this collar. What am I going to do? I planned to wear this dress tonight."

Husband: "Oh, Honey, I don't think anyone would even notice it. Besides, you could wear your yellow dress instead. It looks great."

This husband is trying to be helpful, but he's overlooking a crucial element: he forgot to listen. He's more concerned with solving his wife's problem than with understanding her emotions. If he had listened, he could have made his wife feel heard and understood: "I'm so sorry, I'd be furious too" or "I can't imagine how disappointed you are."

The point of reflective listening is to let your partner know that you heard what he or she said and understood the message behind the words. By the way, reflective listening is a wonderful way to defuse a potential conflict. If your partner starts accusing you with "You're always late," don't respond with "I am not!" Instead, say "I know it upsets you when I'm late. It's got to be exasperating." Listen for the message underlying your mate's words. "You are always late" means "I'm upset."

When we teach reflective listening, many couples object on the basis that it feels awkward and sounds phony. That's usually an indication that listening is not grounded in a genuine desire to understand your mate. So make sure your listening comes from the heart. If you truly care, then what you reflect back to your partner will not be mechanical. Like any new skill, it may feel awkward at first. But when you begin to experience the difference it makes in your marriage, the awkward feeling will quickly fade.

When My Fair Lady's Henry Higgins cries out, "Why can't a woman be more like a man," we all know he's not talking about anatomy. He is an expert in languages and has taught Eliza how to speak "proper" English, but he still can't communicate with her.

Professor Higgins is not alone. At one time or another we've all despaired of ever "getting through" to the opposite sex. To overcome gender-related communication differences, we must accept each other's uniqueness and change our expectations.

Men and women use conversation for different purposes. Women talk to others primarily to form and solidify relationships, while men tend to use words to navigate their way within the hierarchy. They do so by communicating their knowledge and skill, imparting information.

Women excel at what linguist Deborah Tannen calls "rapport talk." Men feel most comfortable with "report talk." Even though women may have more confidence in verbal ability (aptitude tests prove their superior skill), they are less likely to use that ability in a public context. Men feel comfortable giving reports to groups or interrupting a speaker with an objection—these are skills learned in the male hierarchy. For example, at a party the men tell stories, share their expertise and tell jokes while the women usually converse in smaller groups about more personal subjects. They are busy connecting while the men are positioning themselves.

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