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No marriage is perfect. That's because wherever there are two people, there tend to be imbalances. As a couple, you need a good sense of balance in five major areas. Take the following Quickquizes to determine whether you and your spouse are achieving a workable sense of equilibrium.

"Everything turns into a power struggle with Ronnie," says Jill in frustration. "No matter what, it's his way or no way."

Jill and Ronnie have an imbalance in power—one of them is trying to control the other. That's a big red warning flag, since healthy individuals don't need to control others. Sometimes both partners fight for control—and those are some real battles! But in most power struggles, one spouse is dominating, as Ronnie is.

"I need his permission to do anything," Jill complains. "He'll intimidate me to get his way!" Worst of all, she says, "I don't even like myself anymore." A power imbalance gradually takes its toll on the self-esteem of the one who is being controlled. Love can't thrive under domination.

So how can Ronnie and Jill regain some balance? Sometimes it's a matter of waking up the controller, who may be clueless about how his domination affects his marriage. Jill could bring Ronnie's attention to the process of his insensitivity (the pattern, not a specific instance): "Honey, have you ever noticed that you seem to be the one who makes all of the decisions around here? That makes me feel unimportant."

Ronnie really wants to be a great husband with a loving marriage, so Jill's wake-up call might be enough to push him toward the needed adjustments. More extreme instances of power imbalances, however, may require outside professional assistance.

1. Are there times when either of you feels afraid in your relationship?
   
2. When you disagree, does either of you try to win through intimidation?
   
3. Does one of you have "more rights" than the other?
   

"Janice and I have a give-and-take relationship. I give and she takes!" says Brett. When their love was young, Brett noticed that Janice typically gave her needs priority over his, but back then it was pretty easy to overlook. Over the years, the pattern got clearer—and much less acceptable.

"Janice doesn't figure me into her formula of decision-making," he explains. "She just gets frustrated if I tell her what I need or expect." Janice is probably a person who knows what she wants and gets things done. When Brett's "interferences" get in the way of her goals, it annoys her.

Brett and Janice have an imbalance in mutuality. In a mutual relationship, each partner willingly puts himself out for the other. This willingness communicates, "I care for you." Brett has put himself out for Janice and gone the extra mile. So far, Janice hasn't recognized the need to do the same for him. But what could happen when Janice learns that being in a relationship actually costs something? It could be great for their marriage.

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