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Two years ago, Rick Fowler was invited to speak at a major seminar on Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). He's a licensed professional counselor who loves working with groups, so naturally he accepted. On the day of the seminar, Rick was puttering around in his Dallas-area horse barn when the phone rang in the house. Rick's wife, Jeri, answered. "Is Rick all right?" the caller asked. "We're waiting for him to lead our ADD seminar. We were worried that something had happened."

Something had happened. Rick's ADD caused him to forget he'd been invited to speak to a group about ADD. The Fowlers can joke about the seminar that didn't happen. But Rick's ADD—undiagnosed until they'd been married 15 years—has caused periods of heartache. Regularly he'd forget Jeri's birthday and their anniversary, and his anger and impulsive words and actions led to frequent conflict.

The Fowlers are co-authors of "Honey, Are You Listening?" How Attention Deficit Disorder Could Be Affecting Your Marriage (Thomas Nelson). Here is some of what they've learned about dealing with ADD.

In the years before Rick's ADD was diagnosed, did you suspect something wasn't right in your marriage?

Jeri: It was clear that we were opposites. I've always been orderly and well-organ-ized, while Rick is a nonconformist and a risk-taker. If I see a wall, he'll find a door. When we met in college, Rick really impressed me. He never knew a stranger. Plus he had a great sense of humor that could defuse tense situations.

Did you sense that Rick was extreme in any of those characteristics?

Jeri: Not really. But he did have traits, such as being impulsive, that bothered me. When we'd been married about five years, we both wanted a ski boat, but we couldn't afford one.
Rick: I came up with a way to make it happen: sell the diamonds out of Jeri's wedding ring. To me, a ring was a ring; I figured we could buy another one. I didn't recognize what it symbolized to her.

Jeri, did you point out the flaws in Rick's plan?

Jeri: If it had happened years later, I would have. But back then I didn't. Rick said that was the only way we could get the boat, and he was persuasive. When he gets motivated, he's a steamroller.
Rick: Back then, Jeri thought, "If I placate him then everything will be okay"—which, of course, wasn't true. I'd say, "How about doing this?" and she'd say, "Okay." I took that as "Let's do it."

Other than Rick's impulsiveness, how else did his ADD show up?

Jeri: His temper could flare up without warning. He'd say hurtful things without thinking how they would affect me. If he had a bad day at work, or if I spent money on something without discussing it with him, who knew what would happen?
Rick: So much of an ADD person's world is out of control that we need to have things under control as much as possible. Having ADD is like being trapped in a corner with somebody beating on you. You're going to kick and scratch, whatever it takes to get away.
The littlest things would trigger that feeling. If I'd come home and find the furniture had been rearranged, I might explode. Jeri thought I was angry at her, but I was reacting to my world being out of control. I wanted to know, at least, where the chairs would be sitting when I came home.

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