Home > Marriage > Help & Healing
Marriage Partnership, Spring 2000
Children of
Divorce
If your parents' marriage failed and you're worried yours
might do the same, here are steps to calm the fears
by Karen L. Maudlin
Research
has documented the harmful effects on children when their parents divorce.
So it's not surprising when some young adults wonder if their marriages
are as doomed as their parents'. Do the now-grown children of divorce
carry the same seeds of failure that doomed their parents' marriages?
Happily, the answer is no. The assumption that adult children of divorce
(ACODs) are destined to make the same mistakes that caused their parents
so much marital pain is unfounded. It fails to take into account God's
ability to heal us and to help us overcome our past. Young adults who saw
their parents divorce often develop strengths and resiliencies that others
lack. There are indications that the current generation of young adults,
having suffered through their parents' divorces, will work overtime
to find ways to avoid a similar fate.
But we also need to acknowledge the significant challenges. In many ways,
it is more difficult for ACODs to succeed at marriage. People who grew up
in a single-family home, or who watched their parents' marriage disintegrate
into emotional estrangement and divorce, find themselves at a disadvantage.
They didn't have the opportunity to learn commitment and problem-solving
strategies by observing two parents who faithfully practiced those skills.
However, while children are harmed by divorce, the effects can be minimized.
To avoid repeating your parents' failures, you need to confront three
fears common to ACODs: the fear of failure, the fear of betrayal and the
fear of abandonment. By taking a few practical steps you can prevent these
fears from damaging your own marriage.
The Fear of
Failure
When you grow up witnessing the gradual destruction of your parents'
marriage, it's difficult to believe that's not the norm for all
couples. Jana* was a 24-year-old woman who had been married only two years
when she came in for counseling. She was a talented, attractive fashion designer
married to an attentive husband who loved God. Yet Jana came to my office
suffering from generalized anxiety about the future of her marriage.
When she was six, Jana's parents divorced. The police had been called
to her home many times as a result of her father's drunken rages. Because
of her childhood trauma, Jana was plagued by anxiety and worry. In her mind,
her adult life was going much too smoothly.
Since her life had been a series of good moments followed by devastating
crises, she had come to expect that good things can't last. "I'm
just waiting for the next shoe to drop," she told me. While Jana's story
is an extreme case, many ACODs share her insecurity about life and the good
things it has to offer.
To overcome the fear of failure, take action in two areas:
Trust God's plan for you. "'For I know the plans I have
for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jer. 29:11). Young adults
who, as children, were imprinted with the prediction of failure need to grasp
the healing power of this promise from God. Memorize this verse and repeat
it to yourself when you fear that your marriage, no matter how blessed it
is today, is ultimately doomed.
Take steps to conquer fear. Write down any thoughts that keep you
from believing that God wants to rid your life of fear, then ask God to banish
those thoughts and give you victory over the sense of impending doom.
The Fear of
Betrayal
Jeff was a 30-year-old man who came to counseling seeking help with relationship
problems. His parents divorced when he was seven, after they both had committed
adultery. Knowing that the two people he loved the most were capable of
unfaithfulness made him wonder if lifelong fidelity was even possible. Could
he really trust his wife—or himself?
ACODs often have heightened concerns about sexual fidelity. Judith Wallerstein,
a leading researcher on divorce's impact on children, found that when
these children grew to adulthood they exhibited an unusually high degree
of loyalty to friends and family members. So it's possible for heightened
sexual concerns to produce a stronger commitment to fidelity.
However, if a parent's sexual infidelity has caused you to doubt yourself
or your spouse, take these steps to rebuild your confidence:
Take inventory. Think about your mate's character traits and
perform an objective assessment. Which of his or her characteristics do you
admire? What traits lead you to regard your spouse as a good risk for lifelong
loyalty?
Reaffirm your commitment. When you got married, you both promised
to forsake all others. But it's not a bad idea to reaffirm those commitments
from time to time. Pray together and rededicate yourselves to maintaining
lifelong sexual fidelity.
Redirect your thinking. Meditate on God's faithfulness to you
by singing or reading through the hymn "Great Is Thy Faithfulness" or memorizing
Ps. 117:2 ("the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever"). Trust God to
help you and your spouse fulfill your commitment to be faithful.
The Fear of
Abandonment
Melody was only 13 when her parents divorced and her father married the woman
with whom he'd had an affair. Then, when Melody was 16, her dad divorced
his second wife. Up to that point, she had seen her dad regularly. But after
his second divorce, he cut off all contact with her. By then, Melody had
accepted Christ, and her faith pulled her through those dark times.
But at age 28, Melody feared she might be abandoned by another man she loved
dearly. Her husband, Cliff, was diligent and hard-working, and he was devoted
to their marriage. But he was quiet and often not emotionally available to
her. Melody remembered her dad's emotional distance and it frightened
her.
She tried not to worry, but she couldn't fight off the anxiety she felt
about her husband. Even though he had given her no reason to doubt him, she
was suspicious of his activities, often quizzing him when he came home. She
couldn't escape the fear that her husband would abandon her just as
her father had.
The fear of abandonment is common among ACODs, so try these strategies:
Gain some objectivity. You were attracted to your spouse because he
or she possessed admirable qualities. List the attributes that drew you to
your mate. In a separate column, list the less-than-admirable characteristics
you observed in your parents that may be keeping you from accurately seeing
your mate's strengths.
Remember God's constant love. Meditate on Josh. 1:5: "As I was
with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you."
God's love for us precludes the possibility that he would ever abandon
us. Draw on the power of his constant love as you grow in commitment to each
other.
Hope for the
Fearful
Young adults whose parents divorced might struggle with one, two or all of
these three fears. When anxiety and worry start to overwhelm your thoughts,
equip yourself to combat them.
Review God's acts of grace. Keep a written record of the times
when you have felt God's healing power in your life and marriage. What
needs has he met in unmistakable ways? Regularly review that list and thank
God for his love.
Record evidence of God's care. List the people God has provided
to bless your life. Write down what they have said or done that has communicated
God's care and provision.
Seek the support of others. Find a member of your congregation who
will pray for you. Ask that person to pray that God will enable you to rest
in, enjoy and trust his goodness in your life.
Team up in marriage. Let your mate know that you need his or her verbal
encouragement and reassurance when negative thoughts plague you. Also rely
on your mate to help you differentiate between real threats to a successful
marriage and what is only imagined.
Clarify your own uniqueness. God formed you in the womb, and he made
you unique from everyone else—including your parents. It might help to say
out loud: "My marriage is not my parents' marriage." Talk to your spouse
about the gifts God has given each of you that help you solve problems in
your marriage.
Don't lose hope. If the fears persist, make an appointment with
a qualified Christian counselor.
I have seen God work miracles in the lives of those who diligently seek his
healing grace. God can change the legacy that you have received into his
legacy of love and faithfulness—which is meant for you, your spouse and
your marriage.
Karen L. Maudlin, Psy.D., is a marriage and family therapist in private
practice in the Chicago area.
Copyright © 2000 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. Click here
for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Spring 2000, Vol. 17, No. 1, Page 44
Marriage Partnership
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