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Marriage Partnership, Summer 2000
He Wants Me
Fat
Q. My husband
and I have been married nine years, and we dated six years before that. During
that time, I've loved him and no one else. When our third child was
born a year ago I became diabetic while pregnant. As a result, I've
dropped 40 pounds. I felt so good about the weight loss I started wearing
makeup again and paying more attention to the way I dress. I thought this
would thrill my husband, but instead he's convinced that I'm unhappy
with our life and that I am looking for someone else. Nothing I say convinces
him otherwise. What can I do about this irrational jealousy?
A. You nailed it—his jealousy is irrational.
But, on a guess, I'd say this is more about him than about you. Your
husband may have some deep feelings of insecurity and fear and feelings that
he's inferior to you. Maybe he felt that he could keep you interested
as long as you were a larger, heavier, less attractive woman, but he
doesn't have faith that he can handle a thinner, more attractive woman.
So my advice is to attack this is at the level of his insecurity.
Keep reassuring him of your love and desire for him. Draw attention to wonderful
times in the past (even when you were heavy) when you had loving romantic
times together. Day-dream, out loud, about fun, romantic times you might
have together in the future. Remind him of the things you love about him.
Get him to feel like he's the guy who's able to attract and keep
this healthy, good-looking you.
Then, when you talk about the changes in yourself, help him to see that
they're not about how you appeal to outsiders. Emphasize how much better
you feel, how much more energy you have, how your own self-esteem has improved
and how all of those improvements make you better able to love him more.
Tell him you worry less about losing him.
Time is on your side. Be patient with your husband's irrational fears.
In time you'll convince him that he's the one that you've
always wanted and always will.
My Wife's Not
Doing Enough
Q. My wife
of eight months and I both work, but I've been carrying the larger burden
of housekeeping tasks. I try not to be a chauvinist pig or domineering husband
so I do everything for myself. Before we married, I read that one of men's
basic needs is for domestic support, meaning a wife who serves him some of
the time. I think that's true for me. So what's the right balance?
Can I ask my wife to iron a shirt?
A. Forget about the book saying you need basic
domestic support. Most contemporary couples have to work out domestic
arrangements for themselves—and it's something you'll have to
revisit at various chapters of your life. One arrangement may work fine when
both of you are working and have no children, but everything could be different
as job situations change or your family grows.
This is a great opportunity for the two of you as newlyweds to get down to
some real teamwork and communication. Chart out the number of career hours
you're both working. Make a list of all the duties and activities that
must be done to sustain your life together. Then work out an equitable division
of labor of all these activities. Then be prepared to adjust the on-paper
plan to what works in day-to-day reality.
Can you ask your wife to iron a shirt? Well, maybe. See how it fits into
your overall plan for which of you will tackle which tasks. It's part
of marriage to serve one another, yet it's important for both of you
to be considerate of the other's time. In my relationship with Janie,
I reached a stage where I was more interested in spending twenty minutes
with Janie than for her to be spending that twenty minutes ironing shirts
for me, when she'd already taken the time and trouble to clean all the
laundry. So for years I sent my shirts out, even though we didn't have
a lot of money. But it was a practical lifestyle decision. It's not
that Janie wouldn't have done it for me, or that I wouldn't also
seek to serve her in our marriage.
This housekeeping discussion you're going to have with your wife is
important too, because you sound like you're starting to resent a perceived
inequity in the way tasks are handled now. It's fairly common for two
people to live together, each resenting the other because there are feelings
that the other should be doing more, even if that "more" has never been spelled
out. At a church function newlywed game, one husband I know was asked, "How
many loads of laundry does your wife do in a week." "Um, three?" was his
answer. The right answer was more like six. It's pretty hard to judge
what another person is actually doing unless you talk about it. If you truly
are carrying a larger burden of tasks, that should become clear as you list
the various chores that make up your days and weeks. But be open-minded yourself;
you may discover your wife has been handling things that escaped your attention.
This is a great opportunity to build your sense of teamwork as you sort out
a workable division of labor.
And division of labor is important because it's a chance for both of
you to love and serve each other. Once in a while you can do something for
your wife that falls under her list of responsibilities—and that will become
for her a symbol of your love and your concern for her.
E-trading Is Ruining
My Marriage
Q. My husband
spends hours and hours of his leisure time at our computer. He's not
doing anything inappropriate online. Mostly, he's trading stocks. He's
actually been quite successful and has bolstered our income and savings.
But he doesn't seem aware of the hours that go by while he's glued
to that computer screen. I feel hurt, then angry, then defeated. And then
I get disgusted because I've run the gamut of all these emotions and
he's never even noticed. When I bring it up, I don't know how to
answer his argument that it's benefiting our family financially. How
can I get him to pay attention to me and our son?
A. It's true that there is an addictive
quality to computing. It captures a person's attention completely.
E-trading, especially, holds the classic lures for men: it has a game quality,
it's immediate, it's competitive, and it's rewarding. No wonder
it's addictive. But while it's a long-established, well-known
phenomenon for men to be workaholics, spending a lot of time away on business
or at the office, it's a newer phenomenon for those extra work hours
to be going on right in the home, under your nose and in plain sight of the
kids.
But whether a husband's away from home working late or whether he's
right there in the house preoccupied with the computer, the problem is the
same one: it's a matter of priority choices. Your husband's choice
is that making money is more important than spending time with you and your
son. Both priorities are necessary and important—you do need money to live,
after all. But the challenge will be for you to convince him that your priority
choice would be different and to try to bring your two choices into a healthy
balance.
Give him lots of thanks and
encouragement when he
does spend time with you
Can you tell him, "Honey, we don't need the money as much as we need
you"? Can you convince him that you value his personal presence more than
you value the money he's making by trading online? Show him that the
money doesn't impress you, but what would impress you is his investment
of time in you and your son. Then be prepared to live without the little
luxuries that extra cash afforded. Give him lots of thanks and encouragement
when he does spend time with you; show him you mean it when you say he means
more to you than the money.
Jay Kesler is chancellor of Taylor University in Upland, Indiana. He was
formerly a pastor and also served as president of Youth for Christ.
Jay is not able to respond
personally to readers' letters. But if you have a marriage question you'd
like him to address in this column, send your question to:
Q & A, Marriage
Partnership
465 Gundersen Drive, Carol Stream, IL 60188
e-mail
mp@marriagepartnership.net
Copyright © 2000 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage
Partnership magazine. Click here
for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Summer 2000, Vol. 17, No. 2, Page 22
Marriage Partnership
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