Home > Marriage > Communication > Good, Bad or Just Different?
Good, Bad or Just Different?
When your mate's habits drive you nuts, Don't throw a fit. Reach for a compromise
Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer
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Before they are married, couples often minimize their differences. The fact that he loves to hike into the wilderness to camp is intriguing. And the energy that she pours into organizing parties to celebrate the most obscure occasions is charming.
Even though the outdoorsman isn't real big on parties and the social organizer would never consider spending the night in the woods, these differences are overshadowed by the excitement of romance. Plus, how could a couple this deeply in love not find a way to overcome something as minor as a few differences?
Well, when you get married and start sharing a bed, a kitchen and a checkbook, it doesn't take long for contrasting habits and preferences to become big problems. The same differences that used to be so endearing are now downright annoying. The wife of the hermit-like outdoorsman complains: "I just can't stand it when he hikes off into the woods every time I start planning another party!"
Actually, that's a slightly exaggerated description of us as newlyweds. We entered marriage as two people with distinct, and contrasting, personalities. And eventually we hit the "stone wall of reality." This can't be avoided, since marriage is a union of two self-focused people who are called to a self-giving relationship. We each attend to our own needs, as we should. But in marriage we also are expected to attend to our spouse's needs, which often are incompatible with our own.
In the early years of our marriage, we tried most of the standard, sure-to-fail methods for resolving our differences. Jeanette would forcefully articulate her concerns and disappointments. I (Bob) would typically clam up, becoming defensive and resentful. My silence, in turn, made Jeanette more determined than ever to advocate her position. Neither approach solved the problem, but we didn't know what else to do.
We collided again and again. But before our differences caused lasting damage, we discovered a successful technique for dealing with our opposing needs. The solution is based on one fundamental principle: "we" has priority over "me." Each of us has needs that are important, but Jeanette's needs aren't most important and neither are mine. Our shared relationship takes priority.
We have promised each other before God that we will allow nothing—including our own natural desires and tendencies—to break apart our union. That means we compromise on personal preferences for the good of our relationship. Putting "we" ahead of "me" is a principle that's much easier to understand than it is to practice. So here are five guidelines to help you the next time individual differences become an emotional wedge in your marriage.
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