Sign up for our free newsletter:

 2 of 3

When individual differences were driving us apart, it was hard not to categorize everything as "good" or "bad." But since it was clear that God didn't intend us to be clones, we started by agreeing that we have legitimate differences.

One of the most obvious is how we operate in social situations. Bob tends to be quiet and somewhat withdrawn when he is surrounded by people. But nothing energizes me (Jeanette) like being part of a large group. I quickly become fully, and often noisily, engaged with others. When Bob was quiet at parties, I viewed him as being unfriendly and rude. But it was really just his preferred mode of behavior. Once we began regarding our differing tendencies as "preferred" and "not preferred"—rather than "good" and "bad"—we made tremendous progress.

Once we accepted that it's OK to be different, we could begin to recognize the validity of each other's natural tendencies. Building on that understanding, we found a way to make our differences work together to enrich our marriage. A good example is the customs we developed while growing up.

I (Bob) grew up in a home where dinner was eaten quickly and silently. Jeanette, however, was raised in a home where meals were times of enjoyable and lively discussions. As you might imagine, our first few dinners together as a married couple were a confrontation of differing expectations. We couldn't each have it our way, so what were we to do?

No matter how natural it feels to me to be quiet during dinner, Jeanette has insisted over the years that mealtimes are for talking. I now realize that she's right, and our intimacy has deepened because we make mealtimes a time of connecting.

For many in the Christian community, the idea of compromise smacks of moral cowardice or an unwillingness to stand up for what is right. But in marriage, compromise is healthy and necessary.

When your differences start driving you crazy, remind yourselves that God made you different on purpose. Then start seeking a compromise. The first type is familiar: you each give a little. For instance, Bob now tries harder to be talkative and outgoing at social gatherings, and I (Jeanette) no longer expect him to be the life of the party.

The second type of compromise is less appealing but maybe even more important: one of you gives in to the other. When I was working on my Ph.D. and Bob was a university professor, our crazy schedule didn't allow us to be there when our kids got home from school. I felt it imperative that one of us be around when the children came home. However, Bob felt they were old enough to be home alone and insisted that he needed to be in his office in the afternoon. Here we were, two stubborn individuals with strongly held—and opposite—positions.

next page... |  2 of 3

				Try 3 Issues of Christianity Today Free! Name Street Address City/State/Zip E-mail Address Subscribe to Christianity Today and get 3 free trial issues. No credit card required. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Offer valid in U.S. only. If you decide you want to keep Christianity Today coming, honor your invoice for just $19.95 and receive nine more issues, a full year in all. If not, simply write "cancel" across the invoice and return it. The three trial issues are yours to keep, regardless.

RSS Feed   RSS Help