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Q & A
Jay Kesler
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Q. My husband thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage, while I'm slowly dying inside. There's no romance, very little sex, no conversation (not even about the children), no doing or learning new things together. Is this all we were meant to have? Short of threatening to divorce him, how can I convince my husband that we do have problems?
A. Sometimes I hear the frustration you're expressing from mothers who are very tired—whether they're at-home moms or moms balancing family concerns with an outside-the-home job. There are a lot of tedious, repetitive tasks involved in mothering. When there isn't time for spontaneity in the schedule, the insistent demands of the job and the kids take precedence over the marriage—and soon both partners are dissatisfied.
However, it seems more likely that you and your husband simply have different personality types. Your husband is, perhaps, the kind of person who finds security in routine—life without a lot of surprises. Then there's you—a person who craves some excitement, some serendipity, some variety. The things that make your husband feel secure seem like a rut to you.
The best way to find out about your personality types is to take a diagnostic test, like a Myers-Briggs. if you discover that the difference is simply your personalities, that knowledge may help you feel less frustrated with your husband. It may also open the door to discussing how both of you can make adjustments to get more of your needs met.
You and your husband might also seek some outside help, such as attending a marriage-enrichment weekend. You could also read and discuss a book on a marriage-related topic that interests both of you.
Whatever you do, make sure you attack the problem together without threatening divorce. You can let your husband know that the condition of your marriage is a serious problem for you. You might even tell him that you were frustrated enough to send a letter to an advice columnist. It might be just the wake-up call he needs.
Meanwhile, ask God to give you grace and some creativity in your relationship while you wait for changes. True compatibility grows out of your mutual faith in God. As both of you grow closer in relationship to God, intimacy will grow between you. Without your spiritual center being God, all the variety and spontaneity in the world won't keep your marriage from having a hollow feeling.
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