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We might retreat to the kind of ice cream we liked as kids or to a photo album that reminds us we were once safe and protected. Whatever the method, all couples seek a safe place. But over time, we need to learn to be safe with each other—and this can happen when we learn to fight fair.

Arguments are never pleasant. Still, we can minimize the unpleasantness and actually see our marriages strengthened by learning how to have a good fight. Here are three strategies that will help you the next time you find yourselves embroiled in a heated argument.

Recognize the ways conflict can strengthen your marriage. When Les and I had our first fight, I was convinced there was something terribly wrong with us. I believed that loving couples didn't fight. Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong.

The goal of marriage is not to avoid conflict, but to use it to build a stronger relationship. In fact, conflict is the price smart couples pay for a deepening sense of intimacy. Without conflict it is difficult to peel away the superficial layers of a relationship and discover who we really are. When Ruth Bell Graham was asked if she and her famous husband, Billy, ever fight, she said, "I hope so. Otherwise we would have no differences, and life would be pretty boring."

We're all imperfect, and so is the world we live in. So it makes sense that there are no perfect marriages. But many of us still expect our marriage to be different. This unrealistic expectation alone ignites countless conflicts. Every day spouses run up against desires, big and small, that collide with each other. It's a natural component of every healthy marriage. So start viewing your differences as one more way you can cultivate a deeper sense of intimacy.

Remember that it's not if you fight, it's how you fight. If something is bothering you, it's always best to bring it up so you can talk about it. Of equal importance is how you handle any conflict that comes from the discussion.

First, whenever you notice tension in your relationship, plan a peace conference. Schedule a mutually agreeable "appointment" to discuss what's bothering you. This takes initiative, but a face-to-face meeting is critical if you hope to resolve your differences.

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