Home > Marriage > Communication > Alone together
Alone together
If you're married but still feel single, follow these tips to reconnect with your spouse
Tim Gardner | posted 9/30/2008
 2 of 3
I have yet to meet the couple who say, "You know, we think about each other constantly. We never commit to a weekend or evening activity until we discuss it. We're always calling each other during the day to touch base. But you know what? I just wish this loneliness would end."
God proclaimed that it was 'not good' for Adam to be alone, and it's not good for us either.
When couples are guided by a married mindset they don't struggle with loneliness. Considering one another's needs, wants and preferences shows that they are committed to loving each other, to nurturing and caring for one another, to treating each other with respect. They solve their own loneliness by working to obliterate their mate's loneliness. Sounds odd, maybe, but that's how it works.
Spouses become lonely because one or both partners focus most of their energy on something other than their mate. Their communication dwindles to "what's for supper?" "where's the mail?" and "here's what I'm doing this weekend." Without communication, there can be no emotional connection. And without a strong emotional connection, there can be no relationship.
four solutions
Being married but feeling alone is no way to live, so what should you do?
First, admit that you're lonely. It does no good to deny that you feel emotionally disconnected. But you also need to realize that any apparent quick cure—from playing golf to working longer hours to having an affair—will only lead to more pain. So once you admit that you're lonely, decide to take positive steps to change things.
Next, take stock of what is missing in your relationship. How would your marriage need to change to restore emotional closeness? Do you long to share relaxed time together like you did when you were dating? Do you wish you could still take walks at night to look at the stars? Has the "business" of keeping your family running smoothly crowded out the tenderness that used to come so naturally? What are the specific patterns that need to change?
Third, ask yourself an even tougher question: what are you doing (or neglecting) that makes your spouse feel lonely? Just as it takes two to get married, it nearly always takes two to let a marriage drift. So identify your own contributions to the problem. Is your schedule so crowded with outside commitments that you're seldom home? Have you neglected hobbies or other activities that used to draw you and your mate closer? Have you started taking your spouse for granted— failing to express thanks, neglecting to extend common courtesies? Are you too preoccupied with work, the kids or family finances to listen to your spouse? After asking yourself the hard questions, commit to making the personal changes necessary to reverse the emotional drift.
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