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Q & A
Jay Kesler
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He Wants Me Fat
Q. My husband and I have been married nine years, and we dated six years before that. During that time, I've loved him and no one else. When our third child was born a year ago I became diabetic while pregnant. As a result, I've dropped 40 pounds. I felt so good about the weight loss I started wearing makeup again and paying more attention to the way I dress. I thought this would thrill my husband, but instead he's convinced that I'm unhappy with our life and that I am looking for someone else. Nothing I say convinces him otherwise. What can I do about this irrational jealousy?
A. You nailed it—his jealousy is irrational. But, on a guess, I'd say this is more about him than about you. Your husband may have some deep feelings of insecurity and fear and feelings that he's inferior to you. Maybe he felt that he could keep you interested as long as you were a larger, heavier, less attractive woman, but he doesn't have faith that he can handle a thinner, more attractive woman. So my advice is to attack this is at the level of his insecurity.
Keep reassuring him of your love and desire for him. Draw attention to wonderful times in the past (even when you were heavy) when you had loving romantic times together. Day-dream, out loud, about fun, romantic times you might have together in the future. Remind him of the things you love about him. Get him to feel like he's the guy who's able to attract and keep this healthy, good-looking you.
Then, when you talk about the changes in yourself, help him to see that they're not about how you appeal to outsiders. Emphasize how much better you feel, how much more energy you have, how your own self-esteem has improved and how all of those improvements make you better able to love him more. Tell him you worry less about losing him.
Time is on your side. Be patient with your husband's irrational fears. In time you'll convince him that he's the one that you've always wanted and always will.
My Wife's Not Doing Enough
Q. My wife of eight months and I both work, but I've been carrying the larger burden of housekeeping tasks. I try not to be a chauvinist pig or domineering husband so I do everything for myself. Before we married, I read that one of men's basic needs is for domestic support, meaning a wife who serves him some of the time. I think that's true for me. So what's the right balance? Can I ask my wife to iron a shirt?
A. Forget about the book saying you need basic domestic support. Most contemporary couples have to work out domestic arrangements for themselves—and it's something you'll have to revisit at various chapters of your life. One arrangement may work fine when both of you are working and have no children, but everything could be different as job situations change or your family grows.
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